They were shitty.
This year has made me face the true nature of value by digging deep into my core. Super deep and super hardcore. No material possession or amount of money could make things better. I now have a better understanding of what value really means and what fucks to give.
The year started out pretty nice. I was financially stable, work was going pretty smoothly and I did a bit of domestic traveling here in the states. My plan was to keep traveling but do some international traveling since I had the funds to do so.
My heart said, “Travel Jen! Meet new people and start writing!” But my brain said to ignore that and keep working my stressful job and so I did.
This decision was a game changer. I had originally planned to travel to Rome, Italy and start writing because I had been getting so pumped up from reading about stoic philosophy while I was in Sedona, Arizona. I quickly swept that under the rug so that I could work to make more money, even though I already had enough to take a trip to Italy for awhile.
At the time, I was living with my sister and her husband but wanted my own place again. She thought it would be a good idea that I stay with them for bit longer so that I could save more money and do some international traveling as it’s always been something I’ve wanted to do. But instead I wanted to have my own place. I ended up getting my own place and I kept working, especially after all the shit I bought for my apartment.
I worked in the skydiving industry as an independent contractor so my schedule was flexible but work is really slow during the summer because of the insane heat. Skydiving is minus fun when it’s hot outside. Slow work during the summer was the deciding factor in my choice to work and get my own place. Even though I’ve been wanting to get out of working in skydiving for awhile, for many reasons, I kept doing it. I’ll have to blog about what my job was and why I left.
As I did work, I met someone who is now a very important person in my life. We had a very intense connection in a short period of time and have mirrored each other many times throughout our life. I’ll have to blog about that as well at some point because it’s very interesting.
Even after meeting him and all of the things that appeared to be going great, this sense of emptiness overcame me. I didn’t really understand why I felt so unsettled in life. I just met a wonderful guy I deeply connected with, I was making good money, I had my own place, and my finances were on par. So why the sadness?
It took me 9 slooooow months to figure it all out. I guess it was a period of the “dark night of the soul.” I had no idea what that was but I sure as hell learned about it and for 9 months, I felt it, especially these last 3 months. Complete emptiness and despair. Everything became meaningless. The guy I met, the work I was doing, the money I had, the apartment I live in and all the crap I bought for it, all drew a blank. I knew I had so many things to be grateful for, yet I just couldn’t. I was confused. I thought I was going crazy, yet I felt a sense of sanity. It was harsh but I kept trying to push through even though I felt like I was going nowhere, fast. Then in September, everything all came crashing down, one thing after another.
I had a falling out with the guy I met in very unsettled ways. The work I was doing in skydiving ended abruptly and in interesting ways. And because I wasn’t working, my money was draining and I was getting random bills. I no longer gave a shit about my material possessions and having my own place anymore.
This all lead to my hermit status from September until present. I felt like a prisoner in my apartment even though I was free to do what I wanted. I was pretty much alone for 3 months and hated my apartment. No work, no traveling, no socializing, no fun being had. I only spent my time going to the gym and trying to figure out what the fuck my problem was. I spent so many days confused, trying to find the meaning of my crappy attitude and lack of gratitude. Crying and hopeless.
Finally, one Buddha day, the Universe says to me, “Don’t trip, chocolate chip”.
I came to the realization of why I was going through this agonizing time: I turned my back on my heart and I was paying the price for it.
The Universe always has a great way to teach us lessons when you just don’t get the hint after awhile. I valued money and material possessions over experiences and following my heart. My values were corrupted and I gave way too many fucks about things that don’t matter. I lost a lot of potential joy and valuable time this year because I was being selfish to my authentic self. I valued my ego over my authenticity and paid the price. But even though it all had to blow up in my face for several months, I know not to turn my back on my heart again.
So, anytime the opportunities to embrace my hearts desire comes back around, I’m hoping on that train! Cheers!