What Will February Bring Me?

A conveyor full of abundance.

January was an interesting month for me this year. I’m proud of myself for putting in the effort to post blogs all month. It was really fun and I enjoyed it very much. However, as the first month of 2018 closes, I can’t help but wonder what’s going to happen in February. My future is unknown.

My rent is due tomorrow, my bank account is overdrawn by $300, creditors are already blowing up my phone and my food supply is running low. Tough situation to be in right? Yes, but am I upset, anxious and worried? Eh, not really. I know that things will get better if I just keep going. I should be worried but for some reason I just feel that things are going to change for the better soon as long as I don’t allow myself to succumb to emotions that don’t serve me well.

I know it’s my “fault” that I’m in this situation, but the way I think about it is that it’s happening for a very good reason. I decided to take a huge step out of my comfort zone in order to finally align with the life I want to live. I knew it needed to be done and that it wasn’t going to be easy at all. I knew there would be risks involved but I wasn’t going to allow fear and doubt to stand in my way. And I know that before things can get better, they have to be shitty first. So here I am, deep in shit, ready to deal with whatever else comes my way.

I’m looking at all of this from a stoic point of view: Stay calm, put negative emotions on the back burner, focus on what needs to be done, then take action.

January wasn’t an abundant month for me in regards to finances and money, but that’s ok. I know financial abundance will come as long as I’m taking massive action towards it. The progress in all areas I’m working with is really slow but that’s ok as well because it’s teaching me patience and forcing me to want to work harder.

Even though my financial situation has come crashing down, I’m still grateful for everything else I have in my life. It’s a major struggle right now, but I’m going to keep rolling with the punches.

February could very well bring me back into balance with my finances, which would be awesome! But if it doesn’t, I just need to accept it and keep going. I know that I can’t control all the shit that’s happening to me, but at least I can control how I respond to them. img_1599

via Daily Prompt: Conveyor

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Why I Keep My Blog A Secret from Family and Friends

They probably wouldn’t even care if I told them about it anyways. Truth be told.

I consider myself an optimist but sometimes I just have to get real with myself.

I just got tired of trying to have fun and meaningful conversations with people who would rather look at Facebook feeds, take selfies or anything else that requires instant gratification. I also don’t have a lot of family and friends anyways, and I like it that way. It’s simple.

I consider myself to be very social in general, especially when I go out to socialize. I love to meet new people, make them laugh at my corny jokes, be weird and have fun but I also like to keep my social circle very small and have deep conversations. I don’t need a ton of friends to make me happy, I just need a few close ones.

I really do prefer to have a few close friends, than a bunch of superficial ones. I’m over the superficial bullshit. I dealt with so much of it over the last few years. Anyone who choses money, breast enhancements, status and any other superficial lifestyle does not resonate with me. I don’t care if you’re a pilot, a skydiving instructor, a skydiver with 10,000 skydives, own a Maserati or have a multi-million dollar home. That doesn’t dictate that you are a good fucking person. Be kind to people and keep your ego in check. That’s all it takes.

My family is very limited but most are very practical and would not approve of me trying to pursue my passion of writing because they feel that you can’t make a living doing any of that. Where’s the optimism and imagination? Am I even related? To them, I need to have work based on routine and thinking inside the box. I did that for years. It didn’t work out for me and now I’m over it. I don’t like routine and I like to think outside of the box. Routine = boring and thinking inside the box = mediocrity. They are practical, I’m innovative. They are cautious, I’m adventurous. I love them all but dang, we don’t see eye to eye at all.

My friends are in their own world. I care about them like I do my family but none of them are interested in philosophical thought or anything that has to do with writing, reading and deep-seated meaning. They have leaned towards the social media bullshit by engaging in other people’s superficial lives and then trying to find ways of one upping them instead of being true to themselves. I rarely talk to them anymore because I’m trying to better myself every day. I love them as well but time to move on.

When you’re on a mission to make progress in your life, sometimes the people you used to vibe with, no longer do and so you must let them go. You have to move onto others who are more aligned with the better version of yourself. Make no time for bullshit. Seriously. Follow your heart.

As of right now, I’m vibing really high with the blogging community because I feel this is where I belong. I’ve always loved writing but never really did much of it but write in my journal every day. At the beginning of 2017, I started gravitating towards writing but when I got involved with J, I started to lose my way.

There were signs that I needed to start writing and sharing my ideas. Even a few people and professors in the past have mentioned it to me but I ignored it because my ego said to stay involved with shitty jobs where I was a slave to others and to be around egotistical people who don’t give a shit about me. And for years, I did. And now, I’m done.

I don’t plan on telling family or friends about my blog until I feel that they truly deserve to know and right now, I don’t feel like they do. I don’t even log onto social media anymore because quite honestly, it’s a joke.

Aside from all the wonderful people I’ve come across and continue to come across in the blogging community, I crave for the development of new and meaningful friendships in my life. Cheers!

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Photo: A reserve parachute ripcord pin with my Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) regulated seal to prevent tampering.

 

Why I’m Not About that CrossFit Grind

To me, CrossFit is like a cavity. It can be a pain, cause issues and I just don’t like it.

I got into CrossFit about a few years ago. In general, I feel there are some great things about this type of fitness training/regiment/whatever you want to call it, but also some not so great things about it, as there are pros and cons to just about everything in life.

When I first heard about CrossFit, I thought it was badass. I’ve always been an advocate of fitness and mental strength and because I’m always willing to learn something new, I gave it a try.

The “box” that I went to was pretty legit looking. The one thing I noticed when I started was the feeling of intimidation. These people were just ripped. But everyone has to start somewhere, right? Things were going fine for a while but then I started to notice more of a competitive nature in people and trying to one up another when clearly this is supposed to be a competitive sport where you are trying to one up yourself, not others, unless you are in an actual competition.

I followed CrossFit for a while by watching the CrossFit Games, looking at Instagram photos of athletes, watched YouTube videos and participating in WODs. It was fun. However, it can be brutal, cause injuries quickly and even though CrossFit athletes appear strong, I feel most are lead by their ego which is a sign of mental weakness.

The one thing I give CrossFit credit for is teaching correct form when lifting heavy. This is important. However, the whole circuit training, and such can throw you off and because you are in such a rush, you throw correct form out the window and increase your chances of injury. Throwing out your back just to beat a specific time, or AMRAP, is stupid and I don’t roll with that shit. Neither is trying to overwork your body just to prove to others how heavy you can snatch.

So with the tremendous amounts of people competing with one another, I thought it would be a wonderful idea to go back to a regular gym to do my own thing at my own time. I didn’t pay a ridiculous amount of money to waste my time watching other people injure themselves in order to look stronger than someone else during that WOD hour. And yes CrossFit memberships are stupid expensive.

Even though I went back to my own thing at a regular gym, I still continued to keep up with the athletes for a bit because they do look pretty aesthetically pleasing. I’ve seen so many of them build incredible strength and talk about how much hard work and dedication they’ve put into it with their unbreakable mental strength. That’s awesome and I give them all huge credit for that because it does take a lot of hard work and dedication.

However, on the downside, they advocate how they got to that point only from their “unbreakable” mental strength, yet they are so hard on themselves when they can’t push themselves at a one-rep PR or they’re constantly trying to impress people with their physical appearance. They look great already, what more do they want? I’d respect them more if they just relaxed, stopped trying to prove themselves, respect what their body is trying to tell them, understand that vulnerability is a normal human emotion and cared less of what others thought of them. Especially the women, oy vey!

In my opinion, I feel that chivalry is not dead. I just feel that too many women nowadays try too hard to prove their strength and so it causes men to feel unworthy. That’s not nice. I feel this is what most, but not all, CrossFit women do. They have the “No, fuck off, I’ll do it, I don’t need your help… I’m a strong woman and I can overhead squat you” kind of attitude and it’s just mean and sad. I’ve seen it many times both in the box and when they visit normal gyms. I know there’s men who want to act like a gentleman and just trying to help (aside from flirting) and I feel so bad for them when they get shut down like that. Will I say no to a guy who wants to help me put weights on the bar? Nope. Please do! And hi, I’m Jen and thank you for helping me! Much is appreciated! Insert small talk here.

Even though this observation pertains to a lot of what I’ve experienced, it doesn’t mean that this is how I feel about ALL CrossFit athletes and “boxes”. I know there are many Crossfitters out there who are truly secure about themselves and train this way in the comfort of their own home because they genuinely resonate with the training regimen. They rock! And I know there’s probably a lot of CrossFit boxes/gyms that are legit. I just don’t resonate with most of it because I’ve allowed myself to experience it more than a few times, and I’ve just concluded a simple fact: I don’t like it. Except the gymnastics part. That’s pretty dope. Cheers!

via Daily Prompt: Cavity

Reading Tarot Cards

I’ve always had an interest in tarot cards since I was a teenager. I bought a tarot deck about 2 months ago and love it. It’s the Rider-Waite Radiant Tarot Deck with the handy book.  I use it every morning and sometimes throughout the day in order to see what I may be dealing with in the future, whether it’s tonight, tomorrow or at the end of the year. It’s fun. Seriously.

There’s a lot that goes into reading tarot cards. But like anything else in life, you just learn as you go. I really didn’t understand much about them a month ago. I just knew they were cards that have pictures on them and tell a story about your life when you lay them out. I felt that my imagination sucked but I kept practicing anyways. I tried out different spreads but found some that I resonated with and stuck with it. I use a 3-3-3 method as I feel 3 really is the magic number and it’s simple. I’ll explain that later.

Everyone has intuition, therefore, everyone can read tarot cards. The more you play around with them, the more you’re able to tap into your own special psychic abilities. It may seem complex at first because the meanings and differences between Major Arcana and Minor Arcana cards but really, it gets easier as you go.

The Major Arcana cards (cards with Roman numerals) are cards that indicate big issues at hand and are more of a fixed energy you can’t really change, whereas, Minor Arcana cards allow you wiggle room to use your free will. There’s more into it but like I said, you learn as you go.

As I continued to understand the meaning of the cards, I have made my own rules as I feel you should do what resonates with you.

Rules:

  1. I don’t mess around with the tarot deck when my energy is shitty. I’ve done that a couple of times and let me tell you, the cards that popped out during the spread were not pretty and were very confusing.
  2. I’m not comfortable enough to read the cards in reverse so I stick with them in the upright position.
  3. I don’t accept any cards that fly out face down. To me that just means I’m not supposed to see the card, because if I was, it would’ve landed face up, so I put it back into the deck.
  4. If more than 3 cards fly out face up, I will only take the first card and put the rest back into the deck. If cards just start cannonballing everywhere, that just means I need to calm the fuck down and start over.
  5. If 3 cards fly out at the same time I will either use all 3 in the spread or together if they came out practically on top of each other. If they come out on top of each other, I use the top card as the main read and the others as clarifiers for that card.
  6. I allow my intuition to guide me to what the cards tell me, not my ego. If the tower, death or devil cards come out, our natural reaction is to be fearful and fear is guided by the ego. Depending on what cards come out with them can actually indicate something really good. In fact, I had the tower card come out in my reading  this morning.

So given these rules, my readings come out pretty smoothly.

I use my own 3-3-3 method. I use 3 sets of cards for the first 2 readings. First, I shuffle using the common riffle shuffle. Then, I use the overhand shuffle when I want the cards to pop out. For the last reading, I just use the overhand shuffle until I see the same card pop out 3 times. It would seem like forever for the same card to pop out 3 times when there is 78 cards in a deck, but you’d be surprised how fast that one card pops out 3 times no matter what. I do take into consideration of the cards that were in the first 2 readings. I also look at the bottom of the deck in each reading, which to me, indicates the overall theme for the first 2 readings. For the bottom of the deck in the last reading, I consider that lurking energy for the day.

Readings:

  1. I start my first reading with 3 cards: My daily reading for today, January 30, 2018img_1764
    1st card: Represents me and the energy I’m embodying (The Sun – Major)
    2nd card:
    What I’ll be dealing with for the day (Ace Of Swords – Minor)
    3rd card:
    The outcome (Judgement with Strength as a clarifier – both Major)
    Bottom of deck:
    Overall theme (Seven of Pentacles – Minor )

    What this reading means to me: The Seven of Pentacles indicate that I am relying on myself to take action in life and my work and that I’m monitoring my own progress. The Sun, indicates that I see a bright future in what I’m working on. The Ace of Swords indicate that I know what I need to do, get rid of the old ways of thinking and take action. The Judgement card along with the Strength card indicates that whatever I’m trying to do in life may receive criticism from other people, myself or both, but I will need strength in order to overcome it all. It could mean I get criticism on this post.

  2. Past, Present and Future: Can indicate any time. I don’t get specific, I always leave it open. It’s fun that way.img_1765
    1st card: Past (Queen of Wands – Minor)
    2nd card: Present (The Magician with The Tower and Ace of Cups as clarifiers – 2 Major, 1 Minor)
    3rd card: Future (Three of Swords – Minor)
    Bottom of deck: Overall Theme (Six of Swords)

    What this reading means to me: The Six of Swords indicates that I’m trying to move away from something toxic in my life and not look back. I’ve been getting this card a lot in my readings lately. The Queen of Wands indicates that at one time I’ve allowed my intuition and fiery passion in life to guide me in the direction I wanted to go. I wanted to embrace my natural stoic nature and get rid of what no longer serves me. The Magician with the Tower and Ace of Cups indicate that I’m currently feeling stagnant from moving forward from whatever is toxic because I’ve turned my back on stoicism and allowing illusions of my past dark night of the soul to linger about in my present. But with the Ace of Cups, I can choose to allow my hurtful past to bring me down or accept a new offer towards a brighter future. I hold the magic wand. And with the way the Queen of Wands is facing the Magician, I knew that this issue may surface at some point. The Three of Swords indicates a possible heartbreak in my future from not leaving the tower situation in the past or being involved in third party situation that I need to stay away from in order to prevent heartbreak. And yes, this reading is particular in my love life.

  3. Energy of the Day: This is what I mostly focus on as the general energy throughout the day, especially if the card is a Major Arcana, which today it is.img_1766
    The card that popped out 3 times today: Justice (Major)
    Bottom of deck: Five of Wands (Minor)

    What this reading means to me: The Five of Wands indicates that there’s going to be some lurking energy in regards to misunderstandings, resistance, roadblocks and barriers of some sort and criticisms that was shown in my first reading. The Justice card indicates that amidst of all the chaos and unpleasant things that may be thrown in my direction today, like seeing my bank account balance this morning, I need to go with the ebb and flow by remaining level headed and do what I feel is right. If I do, the final verdict will be in my favor.

So that’s my tarot reading for today. I hope you enjoyed my explanation of it all. If you have any questions, just ask. Cheers!

Love and Lost

Last year, I fell in love. Then it ended.

It hurt. A lot.

2017 was a pretty harsh year for me, but damn I learned a lot.

I met J, as I’ll call him, in March 2017, while I was working with his Canadian demo parachuting team. I was one of the parachute riggers assigned to pack for their team. Besides his amazingly beautiful blue eyes, I didn’t think much of him at first because he didn’t fit the description of what I would consider my “type”. Plus, I was solely focused on work, my life and well, he’s Canadian and I’m an American.

J had a very clever way of getting my attention. He always found ways to get me to pack his parachute and would make random small talk with me. I thought he was nice and after a week of working with him, we talked for a bit. I felt he was different from all the other guys in a way but couldn’t figure out why at first. Most of the guys from the team were very talkative, and gave off that alpha male vibe, but J didn’t. He was very quiet but showed a lot of interest in me once we started chatting. I couldn’t understand why this guy was so into me. It’s almost like he hadn’t seen a woman in years!

Around the time we started texting, I had just moved into my apartment and was busy getting it all together when I wasn’t working with him and his guys. He was just so persistent in getting my attention through texts and other means. I would tell him what book I was reading and he would go out and buy it. I would tell him what beer I liked at the Yardhouse, he would go and try it. I thought maybe this guy is crazy.

Well, as blunt and curious of a person as I am, I asked J why he was being so stalker-like towards me. He just said that there was just “something about me” and every time he was around me, he felt calm. I thought, bullshit bro. But I still continued to chat it up with him anyways because I like Canadians. They are genuinely nice people.

So my contract with the demo team ended mid April and J flew back home to Canada. I didn’t think I would talk to him again and honestly, I didn’t really care but he text me about a week later, still interested in me.

Things changed quickly and I honestly felt like some kind of switch inside me turned on. I couldn’t get enough of him and I wanted to see him again. Not even a few weeks since he flew back to Canada, I booked a trip to Ottawa, Ontario. The weather was crap so the demo show he was supposed to be in got cancelled. We ended up spending about 5 days together and it was awesome! I instantly fell for him and I couldn’t understand why.

I flew home and felt a bit empty. We continued to communicate every day, even though we live like 4,000 miles away from each other. I started to notice that my life was changing but didn’t really give it much thought. All I could think about was being with J.

So a few weeks later, at the beginning of June, J’s team was scheduled to do a show in Duluth, Minnesota. I thought randomly that maybe I should take a road trip to see him. It was a last minute idea but I did. His show was in a few days.  I was in such a hurry to see him and be there for the show, that it took me 2 days to drive from SoCal to Northern Minnesota. I spent a few days with him and the team. It was fun and Duluth is beautiful but that change in my life I was feeling when I came back from Ottawa became a bit stronger and so the last couple of days I was in Duluth was a bit on the sad side. I drove back home feeling empty once again.

A few weeks later, in July, J had some time off. Even though he had other obligations, he booked a flight to come visit me for a few days. At this time, that feeling I started to get after I first visited J became even more prominent. I really couldn’t enjoy my time when he came to visit. I was just in confusion about so much. He said he had fun though. We made the best of his visit and he flew back home.

Then in August, his team was performing a show in Abbotsford, British Columbia. So guess what Jen did? Yup, drove all the way up to see J. Crazy, right? Like the trip to Duluth, Minnesota, I hurried. J paid for the entire trip and it was fun but, I had a meltdown. I just couldn’t understand what was happening to me.

Every time I was around him, I felt some kind of confusion. I wanted to be with him but I wanted to go home. I had a mini meltdown in Duluth but Abbotsford was worse. It was like, the more I saw him, the more confused I would get. I started to question my life, my values and all sorts of shit.

As I was getting ready to leave J, I wondered when I would see him again. I figured he was finally tired of me and the confusion I was going through. Nope, he kept talking to me and was actually quite supportive.

I wanted to stop by the Canadian store at the border on my drive home to grab a couple of things and the new Canadian $10 I was hoping for. I found this magnet that was half of the Canadian flag and half of the American flag. I thought it was weird but I felt like I needed to buy it, and so I did to remind myself of J.

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We continued to talk until September. I started to feel him pull away and it was over, finito! We broke off whatever we had going on for months. I thought hmm, these special ops guys sure know how to detach themselves at the drop of a hat. I was confused about all this and my life at the point. I felt that it triggered that period of the dark night of the soul. It was harsh. I spent the last 3-4 months of 2017 alone and feeling confused about my identity and what I wanted to do in life. The person who I had fell for and talked to every day for months vanished so quickly. We just stopped talking. He had his own life to live in Canada and I needed to live my own here in the states.

I had never been so in love with someone so quickly. I had more feelings for J, than I did with my previous boyfriend of 3 years. The things I did for J, I would never do for my ex of 3 years, not even close. I was able to get over my breakup of my 3 year relationship in under 3 months, but with J, it’s different. I only knew him for several months and even though we split back in September, I still think about him.

When I started my blog in November, I was still hurting over the breakup but then at the beginning of this year, I was getting better. I had this random inkling about him and wondered why I had this feeling so I sent him a text. We chatted for a while but I realized that he is now going through a tough period that I went through last year. He wanted to deal with it on his own and so I left him to it.

This made me realize that from everything that J and I have shared about our past, we have mirrored each other. We have gone through a lot of the same shit in our past, just at different times. We like pretty much the same things, like adrenaline driven activities, and we both grew up around military families. But what’s really interesting about J and I, is that we know the same Swedish person, but met him in two different countries. Small world, right? What are the chances that you meet someone from a different country only to find out that who you are dating, met that person in another country?

I researched this and only found something about twin flames. I don’t know much about it other than it’s very rare to be reunited with your twin flame. It’s on a much more deeper level than a soul mate. And meeting your twin flame somehow triggers a lot of the deep hidden shit lurking inside of you and brings it to the surface. I guess this explains why I had this intense desire to always see him but always felt overwhelmed when I was with him. I also noticed that he had this intense desire to be with me as well, but things just ended abruptly and when they did, we had no desire to contact each other for months.

It was all strange to me. I’m still confused about the whole experience but I did learn a lot about myself in regards to values and self worth. I consider this to be an extremely special chance meeting. If I never had met him, I don’t feel that I would’ve ever understood myself the way I do now. I’ll always love J, I’m glad I met him and maybe some day we will be friends. Just friends.

SoCal Definitely Missed the Winter Train This Year

Choo Choo!

I wrote about this weird phenomenon a month ago. And the difference is that it’s much warmer now than it was a month ago.

Today I went on another 6 mile hike towards the lake I ventured about the other day and nearly got my ass sunburned! Instead of getting sunburned, I accumulated some ugly new tan lines. Heyo!

For a moment, I thought that summer came to a close when it started raining for a good 3 days but nope how wrong I was. I couldn’t believe how warm it was outside and it’s only going to stay this way for the next week.

It’s January and the sun is blazing about outside…um, where am I? New Zealand? I swear, it’s warmer here than it is in the Southern Hemisphere and it’s supposed to be winter not summer. Silly axial tilt. It was 86°F/30°C while I was hiking and this summer weather is only going to continue throughout the week.

So what’s the deal? I have no clue. Should I care? Not really. Am I complaining? Nope. I’m just curious. Aren’t you?

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We All Have To Start Somewhere

I started this blog, while I was drunk, a couple of months ago without any indication of its future.

All I really wanted was to get my ideas out there, but I slipped. I published maybe 2 posts in November. I had no idea what I was doing. I had no followers, no views and no likes.

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Then I gave it a another shot at the tail end of December. I really started to take action towards building my blog because I was curious to see where it would take me. I wanted to reach out to people because I knew that I had a lot of ideas to share and inspire people with. However, I knew it was going to take a lot of work, patience and the acceptance of possibly failing.

Now that I’ve been blogging for a month consistently, I’ve gained over 50 followers, 827 views and 323 likes. It’s not much in the blogging world, but it’s still awesome and I’m so grateful! Really, I’m so honored that there’s over 50 people who like my posts enough to follow me! Thank you!

Even though I spend a lot of time with creating my own posts, I know that I need to take a break from it every once in a while and see what other creative bloggers are up to. I’ve read so many wonderful blogs and sometimes they overwhelm me, in a good way.

When I read other blogs, I have to stifle my emotions at times because some of the content I read is just so amazing that I question my own writing abilities. I sometimes wonder if I’m even good enough to be publishing my own ideas.

For instance, people who use the semicolon. I fucking hate that thing! I never knew how to use it properly. It doesn’t matter though, because I’m learning and even if I ever have over 100,000 followers, I know there’s still much more to learn about writing and grammar. I’m not perfect, but I’m still willing to learn.

As of right now, I’m going to do my best to continue on this blogging journey because I know I still have a shit ton of ideas to share and some of them I’m holding out on for a better time.

I may be new to the blogging world and I know I’ll fail several times at producing golden blog posts but it’s ok because we all have to start somewhere.

via Daily Prompt: Stifle