Love and Lost

Last year, I fell in love. Then it ended.

It hurt. A lot.

2017 was a pretty harsh year for me, but damn I learned a lot.

I met J, as I’ll call him, in March 2017, while I was working with his Canadian demo parachuting team. I was one of the parachute riggers assigned to pack for their team. Besides his amazingly beautiful blue eyes, I didn’t think much of him at first because he didn’t fit the description of what I would consider my “type”. Plus, I was solely focused on work, my life and well, he’s Canadian and I’m an American.

J had a very clever way of getting my attention. He always found ways to get me to pack his parachute and would make random small talk with me. I thought he was nice and after a week of working with him, we talked for a bit. I felt he was different from all the other guys in a way but couldn’t figure out why at first. Most of the guys from the team were very talkative, and gave off that alpha male vibe, but J didn’t. He was very quiet but showed a lot of interest in me once we started chatting. I couldn’t understand why this guy was so into me. It’s almost like he hadn’t seen a woman in years!

Around the time we started texting, I had just moved into my apartment and was busy getting it all together when I wasn’t working with him and his guys. He was just so persistent in getting my attention through texts and other means. I would tell him what book I was reading and he would go out and buy it. I would tell him what beer I liked at the Yardhouse, he would go and try it. I thought maybe this guy is crazy.

Well, as blunt and curious of a person as I am, I asked J why he was being so stalker-like towards me. He just said that there was just “something about me” and every time he was around me, he felt calm. I thought, bullshit bro. But I still continued to chat it up with him anyways because I like Canadians. They are genuinely nice people.

So my contract with the demo team ended mid April and J flew back home to Canada. I didn’t think I would talk to him again and honestly, I didn’t really care but he text me about a week later, still interested in me.

Things changed quickly and I honestly felt like some kind of switch inside me turned on. I couldn’t get enough of him and I wanted to see him again. Not even a few weeks since he flew back to Canada, I booked a trip to Ottawa, Ontario. The weather was crap so the demo show he was supposed to be in got cancelled. We ended up spending about 5 days together and it was awesome! I instantly fell for him and I couldn’t understand why.

I flew home and felt a bit empty. We continued to communicate every day, even though we live like 4,000 miles away from each other. I started to notice that my life was changing but didn’t really give it much thought. All I could think about was being with J.

So a few weeks later, at the beginning of June, J’s team was scheduled to do a show in Duluth, Minnesota. I thought randomly that maybe I should take a road trip to see him. It was a last minute idea but I did. His show was in a few days.  I was in such a hurry to see him and be there for the show, that it took me 2 days to drive from SoCal to Northern Minnesota. I spent a few days with him and the team. It was fun and Duluth is beautiful but that change in my life I was feeling when I came back from Ottawa became a bit stronger and so the last couple of days I was in Duluth was a bit on the sad side. I drove back home feeling empty once again.

A few weeks later, in July, J had some time off. Even though he had other obligations, he booked a flight to come visit me for a few days. At this time, that feeling I started to get after I first visited J became even more prominent. I really couldn’t enjoy my time when he came to visit. I was just in confusion about so much. He said he had fun though. We made the best of his visit and he flew back home.

Then in August, his team was performing a show in Abbotsford, British Columbia. So guess what Jen did? Yup, drove all the way up to see J. Crazy, right? Like the trip to Duluth, Minnesota, I hurried. J paid for the entire trip and it was fun but, I had a meltdown. I just couldn’t understand what was happening to me.

Every time I was around him, I felt some kind of confusion. I wanted to be with him but I wanted to go home. I had a mini meltdown in Duluth but Abbotsford was worse. It was like, the more I saw him, the more confused I would get. I started to question my life, my values and all sorts of shit.

As I was getting ready to leave J, I wondered when I would see him again. I figured he was finally tired of me and the confusion I was going through. Nope, he kept talking to me and was actually quite supportive.

I wanted to stop by the Canadian store at the border on my drive home to grab a couple of things and the new Canadian $10 I was hoping for. I found this magnet that was half of the Canadian flag and half of the American flag. I thought it was weird but I felt like I needed to buy it, and so I did to remind myself of J.

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We continued to talk until September. I started to feel him pull away and it was over, finito! We broke off whatever we had going on for months. I thought hmm, these special ops guys sure know how to detach themselves at the drop of a hat. I was confused about all this and my life at the point. I felt that it triggered that period of the dark night of the soul. It was harsh. I spent the last 3-4 months of 2017 alone and feeling confused about my identity and what I wanted to do in life. The person who I had fell for and talked to every day for months vanished so quickly. We just stopped talking. He had his own life to live in Canada and I needed to live my own here in the states.

I had never been so in love with someone so quickly. I had more feelings for J, than I did with my previous boyfriend of 3 years. The things I did for J, I would never do for my ex of 3 years, not even close. I was able to get over my breakup of my 3 year relationship in under 3 months, but with J, it’s different. I only knew him for several months and even though we split back in September, I still think about him.

When I started my blog in November, I was still hurting over the breakup but then at the beginning of this year, I was getting better. I had this random inkling about him and wondered why I had this feeling so I sent him a text. We chatted for a while but I realized that he is now going through a tough period that I went through last year. He wanted to deal with it on his own and so I left him to it.

This made me realize that from everything that J and I have shared about our past, we have mirrored each other. We have gone through a lot of the same shit in our past, just at different times. We like pretty much the same things, like adrenaline driven activities, and we both grew up around military families. But what’s really interesting about J and I, is that we know the same Swedish person, but met him in two different countries. Small world, right? What are the chances that you meet someone from a different country only to find out that who you are dating, met that person in another country?

I researched this and only found something about twin flames. I don’t know much about it other than it’s very rare to be reunited with your twin flame. It’s on a much more deeper level than a soul mate. And meeting your twin flame somehow triggers a lot of the deep hidden shit lurking inside of you and brings it to the surface. I guess this explains why I had this intense desire to always see him but always felt overwhelmed when I was with him. I also noticed that he had this intense desire to be with me as well, but things just ended abruptly and when they did, we had no desire to contact each other for months.

It was all strange to me. I’m still confused about the whole experience but I did learn a lot about myself in regards to values and self worth. I consider this to be an extremely special chance meeting. If I never had met him, I don’t feel that I would’ve ever understood myself the way I do now. I’ll always love J, I’m glad I met him and maybe some day we will be friends. Just friends.

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