Understanding My Self Worth: Job Edition

There have been things that have happened to me to where people would wonder why I didn’t have the urge to throw myself off a cliff with no parachute.

Let me tell you, I’ve thought about it many times but because I’ve always embraced Stoicism and Buddhism, I didn’t. And I’m a much stronger person because of them.

I’ve been called bad luck and been told I am negative with bad energy many times. A Reiki practitioner who I had both my Reiki I and II attunements done, even embarrassed me in front of the whole class. She skipped my attunement and said I had “something going on” and couldn’t “work” on me. It probably made the whole class think I was some kind of demon because no one would talk to me afterwards. In fact, they tried to stay far away from me. How would that make you feel?

For the last 10 years, I’ve held jobs that didn’t align with my self worth. I was put in situations that made me appear like a bad person, even though I consider myself to have high morals and ethics. I worked as a bartender, server, and a parachute rigger within the 10 years. I was horrible with all of them. Why? Because I was blamed for things outside of my control and I truly cared about people.

So, let me explain.

When I was a bartender and server, I wanted to provide the best service to people and get along with everyone. What I ended up with was dealing with a bunch unfair and unjust crap and worked with people who were greedy, unethical and didn’t care about anyone; they did what they needed to do to earn money. The amount of unethical shit I saw bothered me. If you’ve seen the movie Waiting, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

No matter what bar or restaurant I worked at, I was always the shitty bartender/server/employee. I just couldn’t do anything right. No matter how hard I tried to be nice, help others and do the right thing, it always went wrong and I never understood why.

I was called incompetent, socially awkward and boring at times because I never wanted to go out with certain people I worked with. Why would I? I saw a lot of the shady shit they did at work and I wanted to stay away from them. I also refused to do things to get more hours and refused to lie to customers for the company’s unlawful benefit. I’m no goodie two shoes, but some things are just downright wrong.

For instance, when management has the kitchen fish out several peanuts from a dish they forgot to omit for someone who has a peanut allergy instead of making a whole new dish. I tried to lookout for the customer’s well being and prevent lawsuits, but I was just seen as a nuisance instead. Many situations like this continued to happen to me and I was eventually fired because I was looking out for the customers by showing the owner and managers how shitty their morals and business ethics were.

At one bartending job, there were times where I worked my ass off as bartender, server and busser. One night I did this, it was super busy and I was left to do it all alone. I only made $75 in tips for the amount of work I did. The rule was to give the tips to the manager to distribute to other workers that night, like people in the kitchen. What I received the next day was $31 because people complained about slow service and I was told the kitchen “did all the work” on time.

Could you imagine? I was so mad about how unfair it was that I googled about it and found out it’s illegal for managers to receive tips. I had been giving a share of my tips to the manager the entire time I worked there. I brought this issue up and requested the tips that were owed to me. I was fired the next day. And the shitty thing was that there was nothing I could do about being fired or getting all the tips that were owed to me.

I kept finding myself in these types of situations with jobs. No matter what I did, and how much of a good person I was, I just got the short end of the stick.

When I worked as a parachute rigger, I was the slow and incompetent one. I wanted to make sure that what I packed every time was something I would jump myself. I was definitely quality over quantity, especially from the incident of my very first experience.

The first time I packed a main parachute for a civilian as a certified parachute rigger, it was a malfunction. He landed safely on his reserve. I felt really bad and didn’t know why it happened. I did everything the way I was supposed to and people blamed me for negligence. I had nothing to defend myself with and ended up having a bad reputation because of it. No one wanted me to pack for them because the man who jumped it is known to go around bad mouthing people any chance he gets. I really needed the money and even because of my reputation I kept trying to find parachutes to pack but had to be supervised because of the incident.

Later, as I started to learn more about parachutes, I found out that the first parachute I packed, called a Katana, was notorious for malfunctioning by it’s ridiculous spin on opening and the man who jumped it had several malfunctions in the past from it. So it wasn’t my fault afterall, but I was still blamed for it no matter what, dealt with all the bullshit and still had a bad reputation.

So because this incident never left my mind, anytime I packed a parachute that didn’t open nicely, I felt bad, even if it wasn’t my fault. I got to a point where I was told I needed to pick up speed, instead of trying to be meticulous because many of the big money military contracts and civilian competitions required fast packing. I’ve blogged about all this before so I won’t get into full detail but I was always being portrayed as a shitty rigger just because I refused to pack shitty and because of my former reputation.

I stood up for myself because I actually cared about people’s lives and the fact that I had a really bad first experience. And all I received was constant belittling and condescending comments. Other packers I worked with annoyed me because they just didn’t care about their packing quality and they were the ones who got all the recognition, even when some of their pack jobs were really bad. I finally just had enough because no matter what I did that I felt was right, once again, there was nothing I could do about any of it.

The last two jobs lasted a day each.

The one in San Fransisco a few days ago, and the one in Irvine yesterday. Both delivery jobs.

Both of these jobs started off badly and ended badly. No matter what I did, they just didn’t work out for me. I was given specific time frames to make deliveries but always received the products 15-30 minutes late. Some products were ridiculously damaged and I was still required to deliver them! I just couldn’t believe it.

As much as I tried to do my best with delivering all the products, even when I received them late, I failed to do so on time and was marked for them. And a couple I couldn’t even deliver because the GPS from the company’s app I was supposed to use, lead me elsewhere! I wasted gas, put a ton of mileage on my Jeep and now my brake pads and clutch need to be changed. These two jobs definitely had that 1 step forward and 2 steps back effect on me.

After I did away with the job last night, I started to wonder why I just couldn’t be successful with any occupations that I’ve had over the last 10 years, especially this last year. It’s like I fell victim to them without being at fault. Things just appeared to get more and more challenging as I changed occupations. I held bartending/serving for about 6-7 years in several different areas at different times, parachute rigging for about 5 years with several different contractors and delivery with two locations for 2 days.

I realized they were all insults to my self worth because the nature of these businesses can be ugly, unjust and unethical. I was also never passionate about any of them but allowed myself to deal with all the bullshit just for a paycheck. But now that I’ve allowed Divine will to intervene in my life, jobs that don’t align with my self worth will not be tolerated no matter how much I try to make them work. When I try, I get shut down quick.

So what job is aligned with my self worth?

I still feel like I’m meant to inspire others by explaining all the trials and tribulations I’ve had to endure in my life because there have been many, with jobs only counting as a small portion. I would like to make a nice living from it by maybe writing a book but I know writing and making money from it takes time. However, because I’m still couch surfing at my sister’s, I have to follow her rules, which is understandable. That means looking for a job, although meaningless just to make money to get back on my feet. She doesn’t believe in anything spiritual or religious, so trying to explain anything to her about my situation is uncompromising. It’s hard to deal with but I just have to.

So it’s a toss up for me right now. Should I keep pushing the 1 step forward and 2 steps back approach towards jobs that insult my self worth or keep working on blogging/writing in hopes I’ll finally get to experience the career breakthrough I’ve been waiting for?

via Daily Prompt: Uncompromising

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4 thoughts on “Understanding My Self Worth: Job Edition

  • I think many writers, whether blogging or writing a book. Have had to have a full-time job to pay the bills before their work ever sells. This for many has taken years. You will need to work before your career in writing ever takes off most likely. I had trouble working for other people so I had to become self-emplyed. Have you thought about shopping for seniors, or taking them to appts. Etc. I don’t know what legal responsibilities involved in it ie extra insur. And how much to charge, but maybe grocery shopping for people. something they have to do everyday is eat. Just a thought. Here’s something that happens around store fronts, there are people that walk around with a bucket and extension handle, squeegy and make $5 a window, here in b.c. Anyways. You just have to make sure you are not stepping on anyone else getting the jobs. If the stores have more than one level it is much more complicated and need big ext. ladders, so I would staya way from that.

    Liked by 1 person

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