My Biggest Fear

…is being a good parent.

I have a 14 year old daughter, Kaley, that lives in Florida. She’s beautiful, awesome and very, very intelligent.

For most of Kal’s life, I never thought I was good enough to be her parent. Her dad and I split after 2 years of marriage because we were young when we got married, we thought starting a family was supposed to happen, we hardly knew each other and the love completely fizzled out when we did get to know each other.

Kal’s dad and I have joint custody, we live in separate states but I decided it was better that she live with him.

I felt this was the best decision because he has way more financial resources than I ever did, he is in a relationship with someone who has a son close to Kal’s age, he grew up understanding family values and he has massive amounts of loving family everywhere that have his back if he ever needs it. So this was obviously the best decision to make because well, I have none of that. I just wanted Kal to grow up and be taken care of in the best possible way. I did it for her, not for me but I’ve always been judged harshly for not having full custody as a mother, which is why I hardly bring up to anyone that I’m a parent because people like to judge without understanding the full story. It’s complete bullshit and my reason for Kal living with her dad is pretty valid. A child should always go where they will be taken care of in the best possible way.

I never grew up with much family. I hardly knew my real father and his side of the family because there was some huge dispute in the family, so his side of the family completely disregarded us. My mom ended up getting remarried and had my little sister, but I hardly felt any closeness to her dad and her dad’s family anytime I was around them. And my mother’s family is from the Philippines. I’ve visited once when I was 2 years old but my mom never raised us to understand family values do nor did she ever make the effort to have us communicate with her family regularly. So I never became close to her side of the family whatsoever; they are like strangers to me anytime I do come into contact with any of them, which rarely happens.

So basically I never really felt like anyone gave a shit about me when I was growing up nor did I understand family values.  I also felt like I had no one to really point me in the right direction in life, so I haven’t been so responsible but rather a wild child. But the one thing I do commend myself for, was never getting involved with drugs, even when I was always exposed to it.

But none of what happened to me growing up is any excuse to be afraid of being a good parent, right? I’ve just been afraid that Kal would grow up the same way I did, and I didn’t want that to happen so I felt that she should learn from her dad and his side of the family what I never learned. And she has, which I’m super happy about.

The problem is that Kal wants to spend more time with me than just visiting during the summer. But it scares me and breaks my heart when I think about how unstable in life I am at the moment with all these new spiritual things going on that I’m trying to process and learn about. She’s been asking me when she can come out and visit during the summer. But I freeze up and don’t know how to explain to her that I can’t see her this summer because I quit my job, had to leave my apartment, left her aunt’s house because I couldn’t deal with the bullshit there and that I’m living in my Jeep because I went through a massive awakening, which caused me to get real tired of feeling like an oblivious slave in life and search for what fulfills my purpose in life. As intelligent as she is, I don’t think she would quite understand any of this right now. But I’ll have this talk with her when she’s older.

I do want to see her very much but I don’t want her to know what I’m currently going through. I don’t even want her dad to know, even though we’ve maintained a pretty good relationship with each other over the years. I have a lot of adversity to push through and the last thing I want to do is have my teenage daughter see what kind of shit storm her mom is dealing with. I don’t think my life is horrible whatsoever, I’m just making a huge transition and I’m just not in a good financial situation to make my daughter suffer through her summer vacation. You know what I mean?

I would love to get over my fear of not being a good mom someday and be able to see Kal more often, but I need to work through my own awakening process first and rid myself of all the negative shit I’ve absorbed and carried all these years, especially this last year. It’s been tough but it is what it is and I’m trying to do what I can to create balance in my new awakened life. Because if I’m not balanced, what good am I with Kal?

At the moment, I’m in Sedona, Arizona, so a lot of uncomfortable fears I have are surfacing, this one in particular. I’ve been thinking about wanting to be a better mom, but I just don’t know how and of course, it bothers me. I don’t consider myself a shitty mom because I keep in touch with Kal, and I want the best for her, I just don’t know how to get myself to where I can see her more often and have that mother-daughter bond. But I’m thinking it will happen one day, I just need to keep moving in the right direction, one step at a time.

If you have any suggestions, please comment. Thanks and cheers!

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19 thoughts on “My Biggest Fear

    • Thanks and I’m not. I’m working on it now. It’s just a challenge now that my soul deeply refuses to work another miserable job just for money that doesn’t support my purpose in life. I was able to do it for many years but I just can’t anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

  • Jen… wow. Darlin, you are an awesome mum!!! If anything, that took courage! Mind my language, but fuck what anyone else thinks, that’s their own issues being reflected.
    Funny thing, I’m about to go through the same thing. I’m still living at my exes place because I’m afraid of leaving my kids. I can’t take them with me because I can’t afford to, and yes, watching me on this lovely land of the awakening progress has been hard for them. My ex is the kids dad, and granted my kids are older (self reliant age) but I still have this fear that if I leave then I’m going to be judged or whatever. But reading this… just wow. No, you know what, girl, you are brave and you did what is best for your daughter. You didn’t take your own needs into account, you did it because you are an excellent parent. Parenting takes courage, and you have it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks love! ❤️ People are always going to judge, regardless. That’s why I don’t like most people. I’ve lost several followers because of this post, which is fine. It just goes to show how people can be when all you want to do is share your dark/vulnerable side. I did this so that maybe people can see that I don’t wear a mask and try to make my life or what I write about seem perfect.

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      • Nah, don’t worry about them. You still have me and I’m awesome. 🤣😋 I can’t believe people actually unfollowed, what the heck?
        I love watching/reading about peoples darker/vulnerable sides, thats when the real them comes out, thats the parts Ive always liked to see. I like real, raw people. Honest people. I say keep doing what you’re doing. I’m here anytime you need. Xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks love ❤️ I’m trying to figure out where my next step would be. I’d like to go to Florida to see her but I’m not even sure where to go after Sedona. This place is awesome but it definitely brings out the vulnerable side of us to do deep healing.

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  • Hi Jen: I always say speak your truth, especially to your daughter. Does she follow your blog? That’s one truth she can share with you. I have very few followers except for my son, my grandson, my god son and my sister. My grandson always reads my blog to my daughter… and I am very happy with that. My son said he’s learned more about me through reading my blog than he’s learned from talking to me. He makes a point of discussing my last blog when we meet for family time. So I would say share your blog with your daughter and you both may learn some amazing things. I celebrated my grandson’s 14th birthday this part weekend and 14 year olds can stand on their own two feet and have an intelligent discussion.

    Liked by 1 person

  • I’m sorry but I am going to take s different line. Having a good relationship with your daughter and being there for her is THE most important thing there is. She obviously needs and wants to spend time with you (which you should be glad about). Every child NEEDS to spend time with their mother. It is important for their psychological growth. So if that means working a “dumb” job si you are able to do it then that’s what you need to do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I totally respect and understand from your point of view. This “dumb job” way of thinking is how I spent most of my life agreeing upon but my consciousness has changed. This new way of consciousness doesn’t compute with most people and myself over a year ago. I’m walking towards doing what is the right thing to do and working a dumb job doesn’t cut it anymore. That is disrespecting my self worth and children can tune into that even when you don’t.
      I do have a good relationship with my daughter. In fact I feel my relationship with her is better than most moms who are around their kids and feed them unhealthy junk food and allow them to play video games all day long. That kind of exposure to an unhealthy way of life won’t fly with me. I’m just trying to get over my fear of not being a better mom, that’s all. But thanks for your comment, much appreciated! 🙂

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      • She needs a relationship with you in the flesh. If her mothering needs aren’t met she will be psychologically damaged and will be in therapy when she is 40 saying “my mother didn’t want to see me” as that is how she will interpret it. She will feel such rejection when you tell her you can’t see her for the summer. She won’t understand. You also need to be a role model and not having a job and sleeping in a car is not setting a good example. I would think the majority of people have “dumb” jobs so they can be responsible for their children. Most jobs are not fun but a means to an end. I hope you begin to see your daughter should come first. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      • She does come first, that’s why I did what I did but most people don’t see it that way because they are close minded. She’s not psychologically damaged because we communicate and joke all the time. She is quite the happy kid.

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  • Yes you did put her first when you left her with her father but not wanting a job so you have the means to have her stay with you during the summer like she wants is not. Children need to spend physical time with BOTH parents.

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    • Haha I never said I didn’t want a job, but you obviously haven’t read any of my previous blog posts because it doesn’t look like you’re a WordPress blogger. But judge and interpret whatever you wish in whatever way that you want as that’s your prerogative to do so. Again, thanks for the comments.

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  • Hey jen..why are you thinking like that..what’s family sands what are family values ??? It means sharing lover,fears,sadness and bee there for them whenever they need us..you are healer and you try to help lot of people with your spiritual experiences.But you also have to heal your fears…you will be good mom..be like her friend..just be 14 again with your experienced mind..she will love you like anything believe me…what’s better than getting happiness when you see the glow in your daughters eyes..she is made of your flesh and blood..she is your reflection…sometimes you have to get out of that comfort zone or whatever to experience things…why did she born to other woman.there are several other woman outside the world..but she. Has born to you..don’t you think she is special and she is born to Woman who is healer and special experience …I trust you..you will be the greatest mom ever..

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