…is being a good parent.
I have a 14 year old daughter, Kaley, that lives in Florida. She’s beautiful, awesome and very, very intelligent.
For most of Kal’s life, I never thought I was good enough to be her parent. Her dad and I split after 2 years of marriage because we were young when we got married, we thought starting a family was supposed to happen, we hardly knew each other and the love completely fizzled out when we did get to know each other.
Kal’s dad and I have joint custody, we live in separate states but I decided it was better that she live with him.
I felt this was the best decision because he has way more financial resources than I ever did, he is in a relationship with someone who has a son close to Kal’s age, he grew up understanding family values and he has massive amounts of loving family everywhere that have his back if he ever needs it. So this was obviously the best decision to make because well, I have none of that. I just wanted Kal to grow up and be taken care of in the best possible way. I did it for her, not for me but I’ve always been judged harshly for not having full custody as a mother, which is why I hardly bring up to anyone that I’m a parent because people like to judge without understanding the full story. It’s complete bullshit and my reason for Kal living with her dad is pretty valid. A child should always go where they will be taken care of in the best possible way.
I never grew up with much family. I hardly knew my real father and his side of the family because there was some huge dispute in the family, so his side of the family completely disregarded us. My mom ended up getting remarried and had my little sister, but I hardly felt any closeness to her dad and her dad’s family anytime I was around them. And my mother’s family is from the Philippines. I’ve visited once when I was 2 years old but my mom never raised us to understand family values do nor did she ever make the effort to have us communicate with her family regularly. So I never became close to her side of the family whatsoever; they are like strangers to me anytime I do come into contact with any of them, which rarely happens.
So basically I never really felt like anyone gave a shit about me when I was growing up nor did I understand family values. I also felt like I had no one to really point me in the right direction in life, so I haven’t been so responsible but rather a wild child. But the one thing I do commend myself for, was never getting involved with drugs, even when I was always exposed to it.
But none of what happened to me growing up is any excuse to be afraid of being a good parent, right? I’ve just been afraid that Kal would grow up the same way I did, and I didn’t want that to happen so I felt that she should learn from her dad and his side of the family what I never learned. And she has, which I’m super happy about.
The problem is that Kal wants to spend more time with me than just visiting during the summer. But it scares me and breaks my heart when I think about how unstable in life I am at the moment with all these new spiritual things going on that I’m trying to process and learn about. She’s been asking me when she can come out and visit during the summer. But I freeze up and don’t know how to explain to her that I can’t see her this summer because I quit my job, had to leave my apartment, left her aunt’s house because I couldn’t deal with the bullshit there and that I’m living in my Jeep because I went through a massive awakening, which caused me to get real tired of feeling like an oblivious slave in life and search for what fulfills my purpose in life. As intelligent as she is, I don’t think she would quite understand any of this right now. But I’ll have this talk with her when she’s older.
I do want to see her very much but I don’t want her to know what I’m currently going through. I don’t even want her dad to know, even though we’ve maintained a pretty good relationship with each other over the years. I have a lot of adversity to push through and the last thing I want to do is have my teenage daughter see what kind of shit storm her mom is dealing with. I don’t think my life is horrible whatsoever, I’m just making a huge transition and I’m just not in a good financial situation to make my daughter suffer through her summer vacation. You know what I mean?
I would love to get over my fear of not being a good mom someday and be able to see Kal more often, but I need to work through my own awakening process first and rid myself of all the negative shit I’ve absorbed and carried all these years, especially this last year. It’s been tough but it is what it is and I’m trying to do what I can to create balance in my new awakened life. Because if I’m not balanced, what good am I with Kal?
At the moment, I’m in Sedona, Arizona, so a lot of uncomfortable fears I have are surfacing, this one in particular. I’ve been thinking about wanting to be a better mom, but I just don’t know how and of course, it bothers me. I don’t consider myself a shitty mom because I keep in touch with Kal, and I want the best for her, I just don’t know how to get myself to where I can see her more often and have that mother-daughter bond. But I’m thinking it will happen one day, I just need to keep moving in the right direction, one step at a time.
If you have any suggestions, please comment. Thanks and cheers!