The other day, after having a few beers at the Sublime Alehouse in San Marcos, California, a good friend of mine, Geoff (pronounced Jeff) and I started getting into some pretty deep conversations about life.
We pretty much see eye to eye on many aspects of spirituality, especially about our understanding of humans (how they naturally suck and destroy everything but unconsciously aware of it) and what’s really going on in our reality. However, even though we laughed about all that, talked shit to each other and mumbled some drunk words to another, the moment that I brought up the dark night of the soul, shit got serious and we sobered up real quick (kind of).
I explained my experiences of the dark night of the soul with Geoff and it surprised him because he had experienced the same thing a few years ago. He had no idea there was anything to describe this experience other than some kind of temporary depression of identity.
This dark state of “who the fuck am I and why am I even here” was something I thought was in the past. I agreed with Geoff that it was pretty harsh and told him that I’ve gone through a few but that I was “glad it’s over”.
Well, I spoke too soon.
I left the San Marcos area the next day so that I could travel back up north to Montana this time. But not even a day after I leave, that feeling of emptiness started to creep up again.
As I’m driving, the thought, “What’s the point of traveling?” appeared out of nowhere.
I just finished traveling almost 12,000 miles around the United States in the last few months and not once did this empty feeling appear.
The travels I’ve recently experienced have been nothing more than awesome, especially with my daughter, Kal, and I really felt the awesomeness the entire time. But when the emptiness started to arise, it seemed as if the last few months were just a waste of time and money and to keep on traveling was just pointless. Whoa.
So I came back to Sedona, Arizona to find out what’s going on, once again.
I did some purging and it helped clear up a lot of the confusion, which I knew would happen.
What I realized is that once I started to “wake up” in consciousness, I started walking along the path towards “finding myself”. That means trying to figure out how to align all aspects of my life to where I really feel balanced and stay that way.
I’m no longer “asleep” so the truth of who I really am and why I’m here cannot be ignored. And let me tell you, there have been many times during these dark phases where I just wanted to ignore it and go back to being an unawakened, ignorant human. But I can’t, and I know I can never go back.
The point of traveling for me is to experience the present moment and visit new places so I can become inspired to share my thoughts on life. But what threw me off balance and reactivated the dark night of the soul was the fact that I was traveling around areas in SoCal I’ve been to many times and traveling along long roads I’ve traveled on before. This really bores me now that I’m aware of everything much more, which is a valid reason for making me feel empty inside and is also a reason why I haven’t been blogging much lately.
I enjoy exploring new areas and experiences new things in life and that’s who I am. I don’t like routine or the same old same old because I’m not the unconscious robot I used to identify with.
So the dark night of the soul creeps up anytime I start doing anything that isn’t aligned with who I am because there’s no more time for ignorant games. And now that I’m finally aware of that, I can’t be driving down the same roads and visiting the same places too often, and that includes Sedona and Mt. Shasta, my two energy homes.