More Self-Aware, Less Social?

I’m just curious to see how many people can relate with this.

But first…

When I started this blog, it was the beginning of a phase that lasted almost 2 years. I can only describe this phase as “falling down the rabbit hole”. I really did feel like Alice from Alice in Wonderland. I had no idea what was happening to me. All I can say is that my reality became something foreign, confusing and scary. When I read a lot of my posts during this time, I realized just how distorted my mindset was, from the feeling of needing to be homeless to misinterpreting the true nature of spirituality in order to validate my laziness. I did write a lot of pretty good stuff (mostly on stoicism), but wow, I was definitely lost in Wonderland.

So, even though I felt much confusion for a good duration of time, I learned a lot about myself which lead me to understand human nature in depth. And this is what brings me to feeling more self-aware but less social.

Up until I turned 35, before this “falling down the rabbit hole” phase began, I was an extrovert and an optimist. I loved people and always wanted to be around a huge group. I was very comfortable with conversations, even small talk and always jumped on the opportunity to be the spokesperson for group activities anytime I was in school or work. For most of my life, people cued in on what I had to say in social settings because social media and smart phones weren’t around much for distraction. People paid attention to me. Therefore, I always thought people were hardwired from birth to work together in society and naturally communicated effectively.

Now I’m an introvert and a realist. I’m not generally a fan of the human species like I am about bees but I care about the core energy within the human body that connects us all. Anytime I socialize with people now, I feel a sense of disregard and awkwardness. And now I don’t really enjoy explaining anything to anyone verbally anymore because I can pick up on rude social cues easier than ever. It’s not every day I come across someone who is interested in anything that doesn’t resonate with social media, therefore, I don’t talk much. I now think that we are all hardwired from birth to be self interested and have to learn how to work together in order to communicate effectively. And I believe humans are now walking backwards on communicating effectively and building walls in the process.

So it would seem that my personality went from a high vibration to a low one. That’s understandable. I may seem to have a low vibration as an introvert compared to how I was as an extrovert but I was ignorant and we all know that saying, “Ignorance is bliss”. When you’re not aware of disturbing things in nature, you’re usually pretty content, right?

Anyways, I learned a lot about the disturbing truth of human nature much like the disturbing reality a child faces when they are told Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and Easter bunny don’t exist. It sucks but I think we can all agree that the truth or what we accept as truth is very much appreciated.

Socializing has become extremely difficult for me because I refuse to associate with anyone who is a slave to their ego and/or anyone who has to put up a facade to hide their true identity in order to “fit it”. Most, if not all, people I’ve associated with in the last several months have displayed these characteristics and I’ve chosen to avoid them. I don’t have red eyes towards anyone, I’ve just come to realize the value of my time, and who I chose to share it with. I can’t tell anyone they are ignorant or that they aren’t self aware, because it’s not their fault and in general I have no right to tell anyone that. I just have to accept that I haven’t come across anyone that I can connect with and unfortunately, this has lead me to continually be alone.

Yet, as a human being, I am programmed to be a social animal. I enjoy alone time to recharge but in order to thrive as a human, I have to interact with other humans within a certain period of time or I’ll start losing my shit. I don’t care what anyone says about living happily ever after on island or out in the woods by themselves. You’d go crazy without human interaction after a certain period of time, so don’t isolate yourself for too long.

So with this being said, being able to learn about myself and the disturbing nature of humans, and being able to detect rude social cues has caused me to put up a cautionary flag in many social situations and 180 myself out the door. But I also need to socialize with people to stay up to par with mental health. What is a person to do? Can we maybe put social media on hold for at least a year?




8 thoughts on “More Self-Aware, Less Social?

  • Totally relate. I’ve become somewhat a hermit, except when it comes to being at work, that’s the social interaction I get with people. I prefer to be at home in my own company… if fact, it’s funny, I was thinking about writing along similar lines. I barely use any of the social media I have. I may linger on Instagram for a bit, look at the pics, but that’s about the limit of my involvement in ‘society’ lately. x

    Liked by 2 people

  • I think we all have to find that balance between alone and social time. It’s skewed in different directions depending on our tolerance. Although I find most of social media very negative, WordPress has been a positive experience for me. Can WordPress be described as social media?

    Liked by 2 people

  • Reblogged this on Sodarshan Chakra Kriya and commented:
    Jen puts here into great words what I just experienced:

    I am on the longterm meditation Sodarshan Chakra Kriya project/experiment which does make me more and more reclusive, except for this wordpress blog where I release all my insights and self-reflections; plus a handful of mail contacts.

    Last month I did reactivate an old twittter account, and soon became involved in a frenzy of rather meaningless smalltalk;
    until one small misunderstanding did suck me into a spiral of a witch-hunt, I only could get out of by closing my account.

    I also watched “The great hack” and realised that social media nowadays is overrun by bots who instigate hate in order to influence world-politics to that extend that entire countries are shaped.

    The problem is the anonymity which does bring out the worst in people under the illusion not to be seen,
    whilst in fact everything is analysed to build profiles,
    which then are used malevolently.

    Smartphones (apart from being spied upon every location and word we exchange)
    are a tool to escape society in contempt for humanity,
    whilst jumping from the fire of irl interactions into the frying pan of superficial ego-polishing at the expense of sincerity.


    One evening, when I was walking for 4 months from Germany to Bulgaria, only with my backpack and a tent;
    a Bulgarian put me up at his place only to sit in front of F***book for the rest of his evening;
    instead of having used the opportunity to hear the adventures of my hike, or the differences of our cultures.

    In the 70s there was a great political awareness; but since then it developed into Orwell’s “1984”, or the Carpenter movie “they live”, where people see the world merely through their distorted glasses of consumerism.


    Since self-development is such a slow path,
    and people become very aggressive when asked to question their luxury lifestyle,
    the best we can do is to work on ourselves with dedication and persistence to become as calm and content as possible when the shit hits the fan.

    Liked by 2 people

      • Aww thanks, Jen,
        it means a lot coming from somone like you, whose authentic articles many love to read.
        (Especially since English – the subject which made me nearly faily in school – is not even my first language).
        I think the 3 reasons for my ability to express myself well are: 1. I did live in London and NYC for 7-8 years
        2. I am twice as old as you (yes, I am Dracula), and
        3. I do this meditation-yoga for focus & mental purification.

        If you find it, also watch “The great hack”.
        Even though we know it intuitively,
        it still was shocking for me to see how much especially the ones who do believe to take part in shaping the zeitgeist by participating in present discussions,
        are manipulated by commercial algorithms.

        This actually will also answer the unspoken dilemma you raised in your post,
        of being torn apart between making the world a better place through active commitment
        versus the creation of a healing-space
        for the natural readjustment of the world from within,
        by allowing for an inner sanctuary through withdrawal and non-attachment.

        I think once the dogma of contributing to the tribal consciousness in form of national gross income is dropped, values turn around 180°.

        You currently may be in a state of aversion against reading, for the benefit of your own contemplation (which I totally understand, because I hate to read myself).
        But if not, then feel free to follow my blog,
        because I am just in the process of reconstructing the obstacles on the path of good intentions
        by writing down my own downfall and deconstruction of my ego – an unpleasant task,

        Later I want to get into how the true self slowly emerges.
        So it could be that you might find a soulmate in me
        on the confusing path of reorientation and ascension.


  • It’s funny you wrote this now because recently I’ve been thinking more and more about how over the years, since my own personal kundalini awakening, I find myself going deeper and deeper within myself and less and less inclined to engage in anything with people. This, despite the fact that I have to function in a job every day and interact with others, including my family. I was always a bit of an introvert, as society has labeled those who “don’t socialize” much. Although, over the years, I’ve come to understand the term “introvert” as meaning something different than that. To me, it’s someone who is inclined to go within themselves to seek answers and guidance, as opposed to wanting or needing some sort of external validation or advice in life. This inherently means that the whole socializing thing happens less than with most others.

    It’s oftentimes difficult living in a world where most everyone has such a superficial view on things, that they label everyone else who doesn’t conform, and that they have little inclination towards seeking the truth about things, or seeking meaning and purpose. It’s immensely difficult for me because as anyone knows who has a spiritual awakening, nothing is the same anymore after it begins, and the way you view life in all aspects is suddenly and dramatically altered to something else beyond what words can describe in any satisfactory way. What I didn’t know at the beginning was that these changes and the level to which my mind goes over time continue to go deeper and deeper. I wake up now every day asking myself how I can continue to go on with doing the work I do, how I can continue to fake my interactions with co-workers and acquaintances, knowing that deep down my mind is flitting about in the ether somewhere digging deep and trying to “suck the marrow out of life” as Thoreau once said.

    At times it’s really lonely. I am totally within myself and unable to really “get” people anymore. I can’t in all earnestness talk about who won the big game last night or who sang on The Voice or what’s going on in politics because I simply don’t care. It doesn’t resonate with me. I don’t get it. It pains me and seems like such a waste of time to spend one second engaging in such banter. My family doesn’t get me and the difficulty I have with interacting with them pains me to no small degree, such that I sometimes feel like I have split off on a psychological/spiritual tangent in life and that everyone else is “normal” and OK and that there’s something wrong with me. Then, I get a grip again, and realize that’s not the case, and continue trudging forward. This seems to be the path I’m on…difficult, maybe more so than not, punctuated by moments of bliss and a sense of real progress, then more non-stop challenges. My sense is that I’m here to do the work and learn and that is my lot in life, so get used to it. I’ll see everyone else at the finish line…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well written! I agree with you 100% because I feel the same way. I’m misunderstood by many people and that’s why I feel the need to be alone. There’s not a lot of people like us, which can be difficult just because we are social animals. We don’t wear masks, and we seek the truth and meaning in our lives. To me, our moral compass points towards true north and that’s something we should definitely appreciate. I really feel that all these superficial masks most people wear will at some point collapse in time and they’ll be begging for us to help them find their true north in life.


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