More Self-Aware, Less Social?

I’m just curious to see how many people can relate with this.

But first…

When I started this blog, it was the beginning of a phase that lasted almost 2 years. I can only describe this phase as “falling down the rabbit hole”. I really did feel like Alice from Alice in Wonderland. I had no idea what was happening to me. All I can say is that my reality became something foreign, confusing and scary. When I read a lot of my posts during this time, I realized just how distorted my mindset was, from the feeling of needing to be homeless to misinterpreting the true nature of spirituality in order to validate my laziness. I did write a lot of pretty good stuff (mostly on stoicism), but wow, I was definitely lost in Wonderland.

So, even though I felt much confusion for a good duration of time, I learned a lot about myself which lead me to understand human nature in depth. And this is what brings me to feeling more self-aware but less social.

Up until I turned 35, before this “falling down the rabbit hole” phase began, I was an extrovert and an optimist. I loved people and always wanted to be around a huge group. I was very comfortable with conversations, even small talk and always jumped on the opportunity to be the spokesperson for group activities anytime I was in school or work. For most of my life, people cued in on what I had to say in social settings because social media and smart phones weren’t around much for distraction. People paid attention to me. Therefore, I always thought people were hardwired from birth to work together in society and naturally communicated effectively.

Now I’m an introvert and a realist. I’m not generally a fan of the human species like I am about bees but I care about the core energy within the human body that connects us all. Anytime I socialize with people now, I feel a sense of disregard and awkwardness. And now I don’t really enjoy explaining anything to anyone verbally anymore because I can pick up on rude social cues easier than ever. It’s not every day I come across someone who is interested in anything that doesn’t resonate with social media, therefore, I don’t talk much. I now think that we are all hardwired from birth to be self interested and have to learn how to work together in order to communicate effectively. And I believe humans are now walking backwards on communicating effectively and building walls in the process.

So it would seem that my personality went from a high vibration to a low one. That’s understandable. I may seem to have a low vibration as an introvert compared to how I was as an extrovert but I was ignorant and we all know that saying, “Ignorance is bliss”. When you’re not aware of disturbing things in nature, you’re usually pretty content, right?

Anyways, I learned a lot about the disturbing truth of human nature much like the disturbing reality a child faces when they are told Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and Easter bunny don’t exist. It sucks but I think we can all agree that the truth or what we accept as truth is very much appreciated.

Socializing has become extremely difficult for me because I refuse to associate with anyone who is a slave to their ego and/or anyone who has to put up a facade to hide their true identity in order to “fit it”. Most, if not all, people I’ve associated with in the last several months have displayed these characteristics and I’ve chosen to avoid them. I don’t have red eyes towards anyone, I’ve just come to realize the value of my time, and who I chose to share it with. I can’t tell anyone they are ignorant or that they aren’t self aware, because it’s not their fault and in general I have no right to tell anyone that. I just have to accept that I haven’t come across anyone that I can connect with and unfortunately, this has lead me to continually be alone.

Yet, as a human being, I am programmed to be a social animal. I enjoy alone time to recharge but in order to thrive as a human, I have to interact with other humans within a certain period of time or I’ll start losing my shit. I don’t care what anyone says about living happily ever after on island or out in the woods by themselves. You’d go crazy without human interaction after a certain period of time, so don’t isolate yourself for too long.

So with this being said, being able to learn about myself and the disturbing nature of humans, and being able to detect rude social cues has caused me to put up a cautionary flag in many social situations and 180 myself out the door. But I also need to socialize with people to stay up to par with mental health. What is a person to do? Can we maybe put social media on hold for at least a year?






It’s been a while! And for the first time in a long time, I felt the need to blog. So here I am!

I decided months ago that it was better for me to completely remove myself from blogging and any type of social media for several months. The only thing I really did was keep a handwritten journal, which was a great decision.

I’m not really sure if I plan to blog much anymore and I might allow my site to shut down because I have done really well with keeping my thoughts to myself….but we shall see.

So what’s been going on?

Well, I rebuilt a solid foundation and started to restructure my life.

I am actually living in a cute duplex not too far from the Pacific Ocean instead of living carelessly in my Jeep roaming aimlessly in life. I have a full time job that reinforces perseverance into my brain and I’m back into pursuing law school full time. I don’t know if I had mentioned that in any of my posts but it was a long term goal of mine several years ago. I had dropped that goal to pursue a career in skydiving, because at the time it seemed to be way more fun and felt so much easier to deal with. Well, this ended up becoming the decision that would change my life for the next 7 years and eventually caused me to become financially unstable, irresponsible with my finances, homeless various times, and just very confused.

Basically, I became very lazy, entitled and developed the “vagabond” mindset, which to me now is just a way of not wanting to have any kind of responsibility in life. And the last 2 years really put a big spin on that mindset, which was very, VERY dark. But it was for my own good.

The funny thing is that nothing bad was really happening to me (other than what I set myself up for) it was just the mindset I had developed over a period of time that made everything seemed bad, which eventually led to various dark phases or “dark night of the soul” and much confusion about the true nature of spirituality.

Now that I’ve FINALLY got my shit together over the last several months, I don’t experience those dark phases anymore. I still struggle with adversities from time to time but that’s just life. And because I’ve learned what it means to be psychologically gritty and stoic, I feel these adversities either balance me out or make me mentally stronger.

However, my personality has changed.

I’m no longer an optimistic extrovert. I’m more of a realistic introvert. I prefer alone time more than I have in the past because communicating with people has never been so difficult like it is now, especially because I prefer to stay away from communicating with people via social media. Also, I guess it’s because I’ve wanted for so long to open myself up to the truth of life. Well, I finally got my wish.

Unfortunately, I came to a conclusion after various personal observations that the reality in which we live in, is not as nice as I once thought (and that Robert Greene is a genius for writing about it).

All that I was very ignorant about has opened up to my awareness. It’s been overwhelmingly ugly but what can I say other than it’s reality and I just have to roll with it. But just because I’ve become aware of these disturbances in life doesn’t mean I need to be pessimistic and antisocial by hiding under a rock. It’s in our innate nature to be social animals, so I do socialize with very few people and I’m definitely more empathetic towards people than ever before…I’m just silent about it. 🙂

Anyways, I’m doing well and have been busy with school, work and enjoying myself as a new Santa Cruz local! I hope you are all doing well too! Cheers!


Laugh A Little

Actually… laugh a lot!

As they say, “Laughter is the best medicine” and I couldn’t agree more. You can’t go wrong with a great sense of humor. Even when you feel like shit, find a way to make yourself laugh, even if you have to fake the funk for a while. As a good friend of mine once said, “If you can make yourself laugh, you don’t need anybody.” Ha! And as cliche’ as it is, “Fake it, ’til you make it!”

The one thing I had completely forgotten about during the last 2 years of my life was my own sense of humor. I was so serious all the time with just about everything that I forgot what sarcasm was. It’s like I didn’t know how to rebuttal sarcasm with sarcasm and didn’t know how to crack jokes or even recite quotes from my favorite comedies and be clever about it. I took everything so seriously and personally that my personality went from Jen’s fucking hilarious to Jen’s boring and um…awkward. Super lame!

So guess what? I started watching all of my old favorite comedies, even if I didn’t “feel” like it. The more I watched them, the more I began to cure myself of being so comically deranged! I started to laugh more and be less serious.

I know there’s always a right time to be serious, but there’s always time, anytime, to have a sense of humor! So if you feel like shit, find a way to make yourself laugh until it becomes a habit. You won’t regret it, I promise! Cheers!



Being Chill Without A Reason

Our subconscious mind is gnarly….and runs about 90% of our life.

The way you consciously perceive life through your senses is really based on all the fun stuff going on in the subconscious. And what goes on in your subconscious is really derived from how the neurons in your brain are wired. So ask yourself,  “How are they wired?”

If the neurons in your brain are mostly wired and firing towards love based emotions, you’ll be chill and relaxed without a reason. Basically you’ll feel unfuckwithable.  If they’re not, you’ll probably experience more fear based emotions, such as despair and anxiety, without a reason. Basically you’ll feel like shit.

I’ve spent the last couple of months rewiring my brain through consistent meditation and I’m pretty stoked on how far I’ve come and what I was able to conclude over the last crazy 2 years of my life!

Most, if not all, of 2017 and 2018 was spent in fear. Yep, I was living life on a hamster wheel and I can see why I was struggling a lot. I did have some random bubbles of awesome moments but my subconscious was mostly wired towards fear and that’s what I manifested most of the time. There were so many opportunities for me but I just couldn’t see them until now. I can laugh about it now because it’s in the past and I learned a lot! But would I want to repeat another 2 years? Hell to the no!

Because I started meditating consistently, my memory started to lift out of the fog along with my sense of contentment. I was no longer having the dark night of the soul episodes because I was able to train my brain into walking around that dark pit instead of falling in anytime that shitty existential crisis feeling would creep up. And because I was able to walk around it instead of falling in, things that I used to enjoy and appreciate all started to come back to me in full force. I was actually feeling chill without a reason instead of feeling despair without a reason. I actually rewired my brain! Heyo!

I don’t disregard the existential crisis/dark night of the soul phase. I feel it really did happen to me. It took about 2 years to come out of it fully because when I think about it, I really felt brainwashed in a way by fears embedded in my own subconscious mind and I didn’t know how to really come out of it because I had no idea I was living in a state of fear and I absolutely had no control over my own mind. I really was out of touch with reality, but damn I got to travel a shit ton and I can now appreciate that more than ever!

So if you are feeling a strong sense of fear based emotion without a reason, that’s a sign there is something that needs to be addressed in the subconscious with consistent meditation. If you are feeling chill without a reason, that’s a sign your subconscious is zen AF! And that’s where you want to be! Cheers!


Boxing Yourself in the Present Moment

Make it a habit!

I never fully understood what the “present moment” was until recently, after several hours of meditation sessions. I knew what the term “present moment” meant but it was so difficult to truly understand because I couldn’t distinguish the difference between what was the past, present and future. My thoughts were scattered with memories of the past and anxieties of the future.

Anytime you think of a past memory or future thought, you are not in the present moment. There should only be one single thought in the present moment and that’s one single thing you are focusing on right now – which is you reading this now. Not what my title said when you saw it earlier and not what the next paragraph says in 5 seconds but right now. If you looked at the title or the next paragraph, you stepped out of the present moment because you were distracted.

After meditating for a while, I made it a game. I would focus on my breathing for a while, then allow my mind to start meandering off. But then I would bring my attention right back to my breathing and box myself into focusing on my breathing only. This was very difficult at first but the more I focused on it, the more I was able to “forget” what memory or anxiety my mind was trying to feed me along with the emotions that came with them. The moment that I boxed myself in with my breathing, my thoughts piped down right away.

If you can keep boxing yourself into the present moment when some past or future thought arises with some negative emotion, you naturally get into a mental state of equilibrium. Of course it’s not easy at first, but if you can learn to tie your own shoes, you can learn to rewire your brain into staying in the present moment.

Why You Should Care About What People Think of You

To not care is based on an act of fear.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. You can accept it as truth or not. But regardless, you should always accept their opinion but stay neutral.

Anyone who has an opinion of you, whether positive or negative, is actually offering you their time and you should be so honored because time is very valuable. Think about it. If they really didn’t care to have an opinion of you, you would not waste any of their time. But the fact that anyone has any opinion of you is giving you something very valuable. And it goes the other way, any time you respond, you give them a piece of your time. Staying neutral is far more less time given than anger, wouldn’t you agree?

So just accept opinions as truth or not, stay neutral towards them, thank them for the time they have given you and then move along. When you do this, you are actually standing up to an act of fear being brought upon you, not running away from it. Cheers!

Why I Don’t Blog Much Anymore

It’s boring.

Just kidding.

There’s a lot I would like to blog about but after reading many of my posts from 2018 and especially my recent post, I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of them were really meant to be private journal entries of my progress through my spiritual awakening, not something for me to share just yet. I won’t delete them though so you can still read them if you want.

When I look back at them, I notice how ahead of myself I was. It’s almost like I published rough drafts instead of final drafts thinking they were all final drafts. And the posts I’m referring to are mostly spiritual ones such as the twin flame journey. To me, that’s garbage now and I was completely wrong about the whole ideology behind it because I have no connection anymore whatsoever to the person I thought was my twin flame.

The blogs on the dark night of the soul and spiritual awakening still stands firmly for me. I will blog more about those soon. Also, anything that I published in regards to practical matters such as Stoicism also stands firmly for me and I would like to focus more on that in collaboration with the spiritual awakening process.

Why? Because being Stoic is about understanding emotions and how to control them under various circumstances and going through the spiritual awakening process is quite possibly the most difficult challenge a human can go through. It specifically targets your emotions and the perceptions that you gain from them, which is based on all the fears you never knew existed within you.

Anyone who says that an awakening is an easy and blissful process is throwing out a bunch of bullshit. It’s basically You vs. You or rather You vs. The Dark Side of You (the internal Pandora’s Box within you). I’ll explain that in another post.

So basically, I’m going to “try” to keep my personal life personal and revert back to keeping things simple. I’ll share what I come up with/learned by experience/meditation/aha moments but I’ll try to write it in a way that has a more nonpersonal flavor to it. Cheers!