I’m just curious to see how many people can relate with this.
When I started this blog, it was the beginning of a phase that lasted almost 2 years. I can only describe this phase as “falling down the rabbit hole”. I really did feel like Alice from Alice in Wonderland. I had no idea what was happening to me. All I can say is that my reality became something foreign, confusing and scary. When I read a lot of my posts during this time, I realized just how distorted my mindset was, from the feeling of needing to be homeless to misinterpreting the true nature of spirituality in order to validate my laziness. I did write a lot of pretty good stuff (mostly on stoicism), but wow, I was definitely lost in Wonderland.
So, even though I felt much confusion for a good duration of time, I learned a lot about myself which lead me to understand human nature in depth. And this is what brings me to feeling more self-aware but less social.
Up until I turned 35, before this “falling down the rabbit hole” phase began, I was an extrovert and an optimist. I loved people and always wanted to be around a huge group. I was very comfortable with conversations, even small talk and always jumped on the opportunity to be the spokesperson for group activities anytime I was in school or work. For most of my life, people cued in on what I had to say in social settings because social media and smart phones weren’t around much for distraction. People paid attention to me. Therefore, I always thought people were hardwired from birth to work together in society and naturally communicated effectively.
Now I’m an introvert and a realist. I’m not generally a fan of the human species like I am about bees but I care about the core energy within the human body that connects us all. Anytime I socialize with people now, I feel a sense of disregard and awkwardness. And now I don’t really enjoy explaining anything to anyone verbally anymore because I can pick up on rude social cues easier than ever. It’s not every day I come across someone who is interested in anything that doesn’t resonate with social media, therefore, I don’t talk much. I now think that we are all hardwired from birth to be self interested and have to learn how to work together in order to communicate effectively. And I believe humans are now walking backwards on communicating effectively and building walls in the process.
So it would seem that my personality went from a high vibration to a low one. That’s understandable. I may seem to have a low vibration as an introvert compared to how I was as an extrovert but I was ignorant and we all know that saying, “Ignorance is bliss”. When you’re not aware of disturbing things in nature, you’re usually pretty content, right?
Anyways, I learned a lot about the disturbing truth of human nature much like the disturbing reality a child faces when they are told Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and Easter bunny don’t exist. It sucks but I think we can all agree that the truth or what we accept as truth is very much appreciated.
Socializing has become extremely difficult for me because I refuse to associate with anyone who is a slave to their ego and/or anyone who has to put up a facade to hide their true identity in order to “fit it”. Most, if not all, people I’ve associated with in the last several months have displayed these characteristics and I’ve chosen to avoid them. I don’t have red eyes towards anyone, I’ve just come to realize the value of my time, and who I chose to share it with. I can’t tell anyone they are ignorant or that they aren’t self aware, because it’s not their fault and in general I have no right to tell anyone that. I just have to accept that I haven’t come across anyone that I can connect with and unfortunately, this has lead me to continually be alone.
Yet, as a human being, I am programmed to be a social animal. I enjoy alone time to recharge but in order to thrive as a human, I have to interact with other humans within a certain period of time or I’ll start losing my shit. I don’t care what anyone says about living happily ever after on island or out in the woods by themselves. You’d go crazy without human interaction after a certain period of time, so don’t isolate yourself for too long.
So with this being said, being able to learn about myself and the disturbing nature of humans, and being able to detect rude social cues has caused me to put up a cautionary flag in many social situations and 180 myself out the door. But I also need to socialize with people to stay up to par with mental health. What is a person to do? Can we maybe put social media on hold for at least a year?