Dark Night of the Soul: Round ???

The other day, after having a few beers at the Sublime Alehouse in San Marcos, California, a good friend of mine, Geoff (pronounced Jeff) and I started getting into some pretty deep conversations about life.

We pretty much see eye to eye on many aspects of spirituality, especially about our understanding of humans (how they naturally suck and destroy everything but unconsciously aware of it) and what’s really going on in our reality. However, even though we laughed about all that, talked shit to each other and mumbled some drunk words to another, the moment that I brought up the dark night of the soul, shit got serious and we sobered up real quick (kind of).

I explained my experiences of the dark night of the soul with Geoff and it surprised him because he had experienced the same thing a few years ago. He had no idea there was anything to describe this experience other than some kind of temporary depression of identity.

This dark state of “who the fuck am I and why am I even here” was something I thought was in the past. I agreed with Geoff that it was pretty harsh and told him that I’ve gone through a few but that I was “glad it’s over”.

Well, I spoke too soon.

I left the San Marcos area the next day so that I could travel back up north to Montana this time. But not even a day after I leave, that feeling of emptiness started to creep up again.

As I’m driving, the thought, “What’s the point of traveling?” appeared out of nowhere.

I just finished traveling almost 12,000 miles around the United States in the last few months and not once did this empty feeling appear.

The travels I’ve recently experienced have been nothing more than awesome, especially with my daughter, Kal, and I really felt the awesomeness the entire time. But when the emptiness started to arise, it seemed as if the last few months were just a waste of time and money and to keep on traveling was just pointless. Whoa.

So I came back to Sedona, Arizona to find out what’s going on, once again.

I did some purging and it helped clear up a lot of the confusion, which I knew would happen.

What I realized is that once I started to “wake up” in consciousness, I started walking along the path towards “finding myself”. That means trying to figure out how to align all aspects of my life to where I really feel balanced and stay that way.

I’m no longer “asleep” so the truth of who I really am and why I’m here cannot be ignored. And let me tell you, there have been many times during these dark phases where I just wanted to ignore it and go back to being an unawakened, ignorant human. But I can’t, and I know I can never go back.

The point of traveling for me is to experience the present moment and visit new places so I can become inspired to share my thoughts on life. But what threw me off balance and reactivated the dark night of the soul was the fact that I was traveling around areas in SoCal I’ve been to many times and traveling along long roads I’ve traveled on before. This really bores me now that I’m aware of everything much more, which is a valid reason for making me feel empty inside and is also a reason why I haven’t been blogging much lately.

I enjoy exploring new areas and experiences new things in life and that’s who I am. I don’t like routine or the same old same old because I’m not the unconscious robot I used to identify with.

So the dark night of the soul creeps up anytime I start doing anything that isn’t aligned with who I am because there’s no more time for ignorant games. And now that I’m finally aware of that, I can’t be driving down the same roads and visiting the same places too often, and that includes Sedona and Mt. Shasta, my two energy homes.


Learning How to Walk in Life

Babies are go getters.

Ever notice that when a baby is ready to walk, they will usually try to find ways to stand up and walk? And even when they fall several times, they just keep trying to stand up so they can walk? That’s called willpower.

I feel most adults, including myself, have learned to block ourselves from this willpower over years of “things not always going our way”. We stop attempting to do things in life that we want to do out of fear from past experiences.

Could you imagine if babies had the same type of excuses we make as adults for not making shit happen? Could you imagine if babies fell just once while attempting to walk and then just sat there thinking, “This walking business is hard. I don’t like falling. Maybe I should just keep crawling for the rest of my life.” But they don’t. They keep getting up and they keep trying. And guess what? They eventually learn to walk. And when they walk, they go places. Sitting around wouldn’t get them very far would it?

So if there’s something you want to do in life, start making the attempts to get there.

Just like parents who are always willing to assist their baby in trying to walk, the Universe will do the same for you when you get out there and you mean business.

It has worked for me, it has worked for babies and of course, it will work for you! Cheers!

‘Screaming Hills’ has been published

Cheers to making dreams come true!


Excitedly I’m sharing with you a dream come true. Editors at Z Publishing House have selected and published my short story, Screaming Hills, in their series Massachusetts’s Emerging Writers: An Anthology of Fiction, 2018.

You can find the book here. (You may need to visit my post to view the link below.)


Cheers everyone.



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A Wink From the Cosmos

Yesterday, I randomly decided to take a break from my drive along the Pacific coast in a city called Depoe Bay, Oregon.

I sat in my Jeep for a good 30 minutes to take in the incredible view of the ocean and to catch up on my journaling because I haven’t done so since I was in Canada a couple of days ago. As I finished journaling, I decided to grab some food at one of the places located behind where I parked. I saw a sign for clam chowder located on one of the restaurants but for some reason I didn’t feel it was a good idea to go there but I did want chowder. I looked a little to my right and saw a place that looked really good and definitely caught my attention – Gracie’s Sea Hag. Ha! I went into Gracie’s and had myself a bread bowl full of awesome clam chowder.

Just as I was finishing up my chowder bowl about to ask for the check, a man walks in and sits by me at the bar.

He asked me if I had any good recommendations on the menu and I told him it was my first time eating at Gracie’s and I’m not from the area. He asked me where I’m from and what brought me into town. I told him that I’m from California and that I just drove all the way up to Canada for a day and now I’m driving back down to California but taking the scenic way back.

For a moment, I felt proud about explaining my accomplishments, that was until he shared his accomplishments that put my ego in check: He hiked the entire PCT (Pacific Crest Trail) up to Canada from Mexico in 2014, which is about a 2,700 mile hike through California, Oregon and Washington. Then he hiked the entire CDT (Continental Divide Trail) in 2016 from Mexico to Canada, which is 3,000+ miles through New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming, Idaho and Montana.

His name is Jason Evans.

I actually didn’t believe anything he just told me until I googled Jason Evans PCT and was blown away. Yep, that’s him! He hiked both trails to raise awareness for a genetic disorder called Huntington’s disease, which runs in his family.

I spent a few hours getting to know him, what Huntington’s disease is, learned about all the cool shit him and his family have accomplished over the years and stories of him on his hiking adventures. It was incredible to say the least and Jason is definitely a huge inspiration to me now.

As much as I wanted to hang around and learn more about Jason and his family, I had a strong feeling that it was time to get back on the road. So we exchanged contact information and parted ways.

Once I got back on the road, I thought to myself, “Wow, I just met someone who hiked the entire PCT right after I had a conversation with Lee Dunn from AreMyFeetOffTheGround in the comments section of my last blog post about the PCT and traveling alone.

If that isn’t a wink from the Cosmos, I don’t know what is.

Thanks Lee, for bringing up Cheryl Strayed. Because if you hadn’t, I may not have thought about the PCT and I probably wouldn’t have crossed paths with Jason. So cheers to you!

If you would like to know about Jason’s adventures on the PCT and about Huntington’s disease, check out articles on him here and here. You can also watch a slideshow about his PCT adventures on Youtube as well here.

A Few Thoughts on Solo Traveling

I used to be afraid of traveling alone. I didn’t want to be seen as a loner and just the thought of having to explore on my own just seemed boring and very scary. Boy was I wrong.

Solo traveling makes me feel empowered and free. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I also learn to become more independent, get comfortable with being uncomfortable and develop courage along the way. To me, that’s next level badassery.

I admire people who do things on their own, especially women. I give high fives whenever I ever see another female doing her own thing, especially when I come across any on a hike.

Along my travels, I’ve come across many couples and families traveling and hiking together. At first it made me feel a bit awkward and embarrassed because I felt like they were wondering why I was alone. Then I realized that those kinds of thoughts are just a waste of my time and really, who cares what other people think?

I also realized that as nice as it is to share traveling experiences with other people, there’s just something very profound about traveling alone. I do plan to travel with others again at some point but right now is my time alone and I am very much enjoying it.

So if you are thinking of doing some solo traveling, I highly recommend it.

The world is our playground. Go out there and explore it! Cheers!

Photo: A view of the Columbia River. I was driving through Knappton, Washington this morning and had to pull over for a minute to check out this view. The city on the other side of this river, way yonder, is Astoria, Oregon. Goonies central!

Much Respect Towards US Border Patrol Agents

One in particular gave me quite the scare today.

It was much easier to be granted access into Canada than to be granted access back into my own home country.

It took a few minutes of answering questions to get into Canada but almost a complete interrogation session to be granted entry back home.

But first, much respect to the Canadian Border Services Officers that have been super nice to me anytime I visited. Our interactions have been short and sweet.

So as I pulled up to a US Border Patrol Agent to show my passport upon entering the states, I answered some simple questions. But apparently, traveling solo all the way from California to Canada only for a day without a plan, without buying souvenirs, without knowing anyone or meeting up with anyone comes up as suspect.

I just explained it was a little road trip and I wasn’t going to delve into anything spiritual or anything related to that matter because obviously any kind of non practical explanation won’t fly with them, whatsoever.

He kept asking me questions and then said, “Sorry ma’am, but your story doesn’t seem to make any sense. Hold on a moment.”

My stomach dropped and then I said that I didn’t know what else to say. Then he said it was hard for him to accept that I had traveled all this way for just a day without knowing anyone or having some form of “validated reason”.

As I waited, I see cars in other lanes going through wondering if I was going to have to pull over and go through some kind of interrogation session.

He comes back and says something like, “So ma’am, you want me to believe that you drove all the way up here for a day? Why?” I responded by telling him I just traveled 8,000 miles around the US plus over 1,000 miles to Canada for sentimental reasons and I had visited a year ago for the airshow in Abbotsford because I worked with the Canadian parachuting team and while I was here at that time I was curious about Vancouver but never went to visit. I also added that I enjoyed traveling alone.

He then responded by asking me a whole shit load of random questions and then finally the mileage of my vehicle and if I had traveled the whole 9,000 miles in “this thing” referring to my Jeep. I said yes and then he looked back at the computer and mumbled something in his intercom.

Finally, he grabbed my passport and as he handed it back to me he said, “That’s quite impressive, welcome home.”

I thought, wow what a process that was to come back home. Is it really a huge deal for someone to travel alone without any plans or to meet up with someone? It doesn’t matter though because the Border Patrol Agent both scared the shit out of me but in the end also flattered the shit out of me as well!

Photo: The Peace Arch on the Canadian/US border.