More Self-Aware, Less Social?

I’m just curious to see how many people can relate with this.

But first…

When I started this blog, it was the beginning of a phase that lasted almost 2 years. I can only describe this phase as “falling down the rabbit hole”. I really did feel like Alice from Alice in Wonderland. I had no idea what was happening to me. All I can say is that my reality became something foreign, confusing and scary. When I read a lot of my posts during this time, I realized just how distorted my mindset was, from the feeling of needing to be homeless to misinterpreting the true nature of spirituality in order to validate my laziness. I did write a lot of pretty good stuff (mostly on stoicism), but wow, I was definitely lost in Wonderland.

So, even though I felt much confusion for a good duration of time, I learned a lot about myself which lead me to understand human nature in depth. And this is what brings me to feeling more self-aware but less social.

Up until I turned 35, before this “falling down the rabbit hole” phase began, I was an extrovert and an optimist. I loved people and always wanted to be around a huge group. I was very comfortable with conversations, even small talk and always jumped on the opportunity to be the spokesperson for group activities anytime I was in school or work. For most of my life, people cued in on what I had to say in social settings because social media and smart phones weren’t around much for distraction. People paid attention to me. Therefore, I always thought people were hardwired from birth to work together in society and naturally communicated effectively.

Now I’m an introvert and a realist. I’m not generally a fan of the human species like I am about bees but I care about the core energy within the human body that connects us all. Anytime I socialize with people now, I feel a sense of disregard and awkwardness. And now I don’t really enjoy explaining anything to anyone verbally anymore because I can pick up on rude social cues easier than ever. It’s not every day I come across someone who is interested in anything that doesn’t resonate with social media, therefore, I don’t talk much. I now think that we are all hardwired from birth to be self interested and have to learn how to work together in order to communicate effectively. And I believe humans are now walking backwards on communicating effectively and building walls in the process.

So it would seem that my personality went from a high vibration to a low one. That’s understandable. I may seem to have a low vibration as an introvert compared to how I was as an extrovert but I was ignorant and we all know that saying, “Ignorance is bliss”. When you’re not aware of disturbing things in nature, you’re usually pretty content, right?

Anyways, I learned a lot about the disturbing truth of human nature much like the disturbing reality a child faces when they are told Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and Easter bunny don’t exist. It sucks but I think we can all agree that the truth or what we accept as truth is very much appreciated.

Socializing has become extremely difficult for me because I refuse to associate with anyone who is a slave to their ego and/or anyone who has to put up a facade to hide their true identity in order to “fit it”. Most, if not all, people I’ve associated with in the last several months have displayed these characteristics and I’ve chosen to avoid them. I don’t have red eyes towards anyone, I’ve just come to realize the value of my time, and who I chose to share it with. I can’t tell anyone they are ignorant or that they aren’t self aware, because it’s not their fault and in general I have no right to tell anyone that. I just have to accept that I haven’t come across anyone that I can connect with and unfortunately, this has lead me to continually be alone.

Yet, as a human being, I am programmed to be a social animal. I enjoy alone time to recharge but in order to thrive as a human, I have to interact with other humans within a certain period of time or I’ll start losing my shit. I don’t care what anyone says about living happily ever after on island or out in the woods by themselves. You’d go crazy without human interaction after a certain period of time, so don’t isolate yourself for too long.

So with this being said, being able to learn about myself and the disturbing nature of humans, and being able to detect rude social cues has caused me to put up a cautionary flag in many social situations and 180 myself out the door. But I also need to socialize with people to stay up to par with mental health. What is a person to do? Can we maybe put social media on hold for at least a year?






It’s been a while! And for the first time in a long time, I felt the need to blog. So here I am!

I decided months ago that it was better for me to completely remove myself from blogging and any type of social media for several months. The only thing I really did was keep a handwritten journal, which was a great decision.

I’m not really sure if I plan to blog much anymore and I might allow my site to shut down because I have done really well with keeping my thoughts to myself….but we shall see.

So what’s been going on?

Well, I rebuilt a solid foundation and started to restructure my life.

I am actually living in a cute duplex not too far from the Pacific Ocean instead of living carelessly in my Jeep roaming aimlessly in life. I have a full time job that reinforces perseverance into my brain and I’m back into pursuing law school full time. I don’t know if I had mentioned that in any of my posts but it was a long term goal of mine several years ago. I had dropped that goal to pursue a career in skydiving, because at the time it seemed to be way more fun and felt so much easier to deal with. Well, this ended up becoming the decision that would change my life for the next 7 years and eventually caused me to become financially unstable, irresponsible with my finances, homeless various times, and just very confused.

Basically, I became very lazy, entitled and developed the “vagabond” mindset, which to me now is just a way of not wanting to have any kind of responsibility in life. And the last 2 years really put a big spin on that mindset, which was very, VERY dark. But it was for my own good.

The funny thing is that nothing bad was really happening to me (other than what I set myself up for) it was just the mindset I had developed over a period of time that made everything seemed bad, which eventually led to various dark phases or “dark night of the soul” and much confusion about the true nature of spirituality.

Now that I’ve FINALLY got my shit together over the last several months, I don’t experience those dark phases anymore. I still struggle with adversities from time to time but that’s just life. And because I’ve learned what it means to be psychologically gritty and stoic, I feel these adversities either balance me out or make me mentally stronger.

However, my personality has changed.

I’m no longer an optimistic extrovert. I’m more of a realistic introvert. I prefer alone time more than I have in the past because communicating with people has never been so difficult like it is now, especially because I prefer to stay away from communicating with people via social media. Also, I guess it’s because I’ve wanted for so long to open myself up to the truth of life. Well, I finally got my wish.

Unfortunately, I came to a conclusion after various personal observations that the reality in which we live in, is not as nice as I once thought (and that Robert Greene is a genius for writing about it).

All that I was very ignorant about has opened up to my awareness. It’s been overwhelmingly ugly but what can I say other than it’s reality and I just have to roll with it. But just because I’ve become aware of these disturbances in life doesn’t mean I need to be pessimistic and antisocial by hiding under a rock. It’s in our innate nature to be social animals, so I do socialize with very few people and I’m definitely more empathetic towards people than ever before…I’m just silent about it. 🙂

Anyways, I’m doing well and have been busy with school, work and enjoying myself as a new Santa Cruz local! I hope you are all doing well too! Cheers!