I’m Here To Stay….

…for another year at least! Yay!

I renewed my premium subscription to WordPress because honestly, I didn’t want to give up on it.

I’ve been through a lot of craziness since I started this blog and I really feel that this form of social media is absolutely the most positive and influential type I’ve come across. I’ve learned a lot about myself by reading my old posts and seeing where I’ve derailed along the way, where the shadow side of me came out (it came out a lot), and how much I still have to learn.

As much as I want to start posting again right away, I’m just going to change up some things on my site first to run parallel with my life now. My next post may be on my thoughts of the movie Joker. Cheers and stay tuned!

 

 

 

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Laugh A Little

Actually… laugh a lot!

As they say, “Laughter is the best medicine” and I couldn’t agree more. You can’t go wrong with a great sense of humor. Even when you feel like shit, find a way to make yourself laugh, even if you have to fake the funk for a while. As a good friend of mine once said, “If you can make yourself laugh, you don’t need anybody.” Ha! And as cliche’ as it is, “Fake it, ’til you make it!”

The one thing I had completely forgotten about during the last 2 years of my life was my own sense of humor. I was so serious all the time with just about everything that I forgot what sarcasm was. It’s like I didn’t know how to rebuttal sarcasm with sarcasm and didn’t know how to crack jokes or even recite quotes from my favorite comedies and be clever about it. I took everything so seriously and personally that my personality went from Jen’s fucking hilarious to Jen’s boring and um…awkward. Super lame!

So guess what? I started watching all of my old favorite comedies, even if I didn’t “feel” like it. The more I watched them, the more I began to cure myself of being so comically deranged! I started to laugh more and be less serious.

I know there’s always a right time to be serious, but there’s always time, anytime, to have a sense of humor! So if you feel like shit, find a way to make yourself laugh until it becomes a habit. You won’t regret it, I promise! Cheers!

 

 

Being Chill Without A Reason

Our subconscious mind is gnarly….and runs about 90% of our life.

The way you consciously perceive life through your senses is really based on all the fun stuff going on in the subconscious. And what goes on in your subconscious is really derived from how the neurons in your brain are wired. So ask yourself,  “How are they wired?”

If the neurons in your brain are mostly wired and firing towards love based emotions, you’ll be chill and relaxed without a reason. Basically you’ll feel unfuckwithable.  If they’re not, you’ll probably experience more fear based emotions, such as despair and anxiety, without a reason. Basically you’ll feel like shit.

I’ve spent the last couple of months rewiring my brain through consistent meditation and I’m pretty stoked on how far I’ve come and what I was able to conclude over the last crazy 2 years of my life!

Most, if not all, of 2017 and 2018 was spent in fear. Yep, I was living life on a hamster wheel and I can see why I was struggling a lot. I did have some random bubbles of awesome moments but my subconscious was mostly wired towards fear and that’s what I manifested most of the time. There were so many opportunities for me but I just couldn’t see them until now. I can laugh about it now because it’s in the past and I learned a lot! But would I want to repeat another 2 years? Hell to the no!

Because I started meditating consistently, my memory started to lift out of the fog along with my sense of contentment. I was no longer having the dark night of the soul episodes because I was able to train my brain into walking around that dark pit instead of falling in anytime that shitty existential crisis feeling would creep up. And because I was able to walk around it instead of falling in, things that I used to enjoy and appreciate all started to come back to me in full force. I was actually feeling chill without a reason instead of feeling despair without a reason. I actually rewired my brain! Heyo!

I don’t disregard the existential crisis/dark night of the soul phase. I feel it really did happen to me. It took about 2 years to come out of it fully because when I think about it, I really felt brainwashed in a way by fears embedded in my own subconscious mind and I didn’t know how to really come out of it because I had no idea I was living in a state of fear and I absolutely had no control over my own mind. I really was out of touch with reality, but damn I got to travel a shit ton and I can now appreciate that more than ever!

So if you are feeling a strong sense of fear based emotion without a reason, that’s a sign there is something that needs to be addressed in the subconscious with consistent meditation. If you are feeling chill without a reason, that’s a sign your subconscious is zen AF! And that’s where you want to be! Cheers!

 

Boxing Yourself in the Present Moment

Make it a habit!

I never fully understood what the “present moment” was until recently, after several hours of meditation sessions. I knew what the term “present moment” meant but it was so difficult to truly understand because I couldn’t distinguish the difference between what was the past, present and future. My thoughts were scattered with memories of the past and anxieties of the future.

Anytime you think of a past memory or future thought, you are not in the present moment. There should only be one single thought in the present moment and that’s one single thing you are focusing on right now – which is you reading this now. Not what my title said when you saw it earlier and not what the next paragraph says in 5 seconds but right now. If you looked at the title or the next paragraph, you stepped out of the present moment because you were distracted.

After meditating for a while, I made it a game. I would focus on my breathing for a while, then allow my mind to start meandering off. But then I would bring my attention right back to my breathing and box myself into focusing on my breathing only. This was very difficult at first but the more I focused on it, the more I was able to “forget” what memory or anxiety my mind was trying to feed me along with the emotions that came with them. The moment that I boxed myself in with my breathing, my thoughts piped down right away.

If you can keep boxing yourself into the present moment when some past or future thought arises with some negative emotion, you naturally get into a mental state of equilibrium. Of course it’s not easy at first, but if you can learn to tie your own shoes, you can learn to rewire your brain into staying in the present moment.

Why I Don’t Blog Much Anymore

It’s boring.

Just kidding.

There’s a lot I would like to blog about but after reading many of my posts from 2018 and especially my recent post, I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of them were really meant to be private journal entries of my progress through my spiritual awakening, not something for me to share just yet. I won’t delete them though so you can still read them if you want.

When I look back at them, I notice how ahead of myself I was. It’s almost like I published rough drafts instead of final drafts thinking they were all final drafts. And the posts I’m referring to are mostly spiritual ones such as the twin flame journey. To me, that’s garbage now and I was completely wrong about the whole ideology behind it because I have no connection anymore whatsoever to the person I thought was my twin flame.

The blogs on the dark night of the soul and spiritual awakening still stands firmly for me. I will blog more about those soon. Also, anything that I published in regards to practical matters such as Stoicism also stands firmly for me and I would like to focus more on that in collaboration with the spiritual awakening process.

Why? Because being Stoic is about understanding emotions and how to control them under various circumstances and going through the spiritual awakening process is quite possibly the most difficult challenge a human can go through. It specifically targets your emotions and the perceptions that you gain from them, which is based on all the fears you never knew existed within you.

Anyone who says that an awakening is an easy and blissful process is throwing out a bunch of bullshit. It’s basically You vs. You or rather You vs. The Dark Side of You (the internal Pandora’s Box within you). I’ll explain that in another post.

So basically, I’m going to “try” to keep my personal life personal and revert back to keeping things simple. I’ll share what I come up with/learned by experience/meditation/aha moments but I’ll try to write it in a way that has a more nonpersonal flavor to it. Cheers!

The Important Shit We Forget

Memory is a funny thing.

I seem to remember a lot of the shit I don’t want to remember, yet always forget a lot of the shit I need to remember.

From mid December 2018 to the end of January 2019, I felt balanced and life was flowing.

I had just left Austin, Texas to road trip back to San Jose, California. I had meditated pretty much every day while I was in Austin from the end of November to mid December. Meditation pretty much gave me clarity on my next move, which was to road trip back to San Jose. I had no clue why, but I just followed what I had picked up on from meditation.

I drove back to San Jose and started working with Amazon Flex again. I also stayed at a hostel like AirBnB that was within my budget and that wasn’t too far away from my gym and work. But what was really cool about this place was meeting a lot of really cool people from all over. It almost felt like home.

Working for Amazon Flex went really awesome this time around because I was always able to pick up work, the deliveries were super fun and easy, the pay increased since the last time I was there and I was actually delivering to really beautiful neighborhoods. And then when I was done working, I would come back to the AirBnb and socialize with my housemates all night long.

It was all super fun and I was just super excited that I was able to make money, live somewhere cool, socialize with awesome people, go to the gym every day and just be busy all the time, which is something I love. I was also really happy to finally reconnect with a really good friend of mine who I became very close and intimate with since August of 2018 but had a falling out with right before Halloween. I blogged about him in Respecting Nature.

Things were just flowing really well and I was so busy with all these things that I had forgotten to meditate every morning and remind myself of the Stoic practice of premeditatio malorum and the Stoic principle of memento mori, as I’ve described in my blog Handling Bad Days.

I was so busy with everything going right in my life that I completely forgot to prepare myself for when everything may go wrong. And it did. All at once. And I was completely knocked on my ass, even though it was me who manifested it.

So what happened?

All within days of each other in the same week, during the full moon total lunar eclipse, the people I became very close with at the AirBnb started to depart, the work with Amazon started to dry up and become very complicated, I was asked to leave the AirBnb I was staying at because I was the only one who was caught drunk out of the housemates I was out partying with (which became a new rule of the AirBnb – zero tolerance for intoxication) and I had a really horrible falling out with my really good friend, once again. So basically, I was left with no friends, no work, no place to stay and a bad heartbreak within days of each other.

Everything just came crashing down and because I had forgotten to meditate every day and forgot to remind myself of the vital importance of premeditatio malorum and memento mori, I reacted instead of responded.

If I had just remembered to meditate every day when things were flowing so well, I would’ve been able to handle all the shit that was served to me that week like a boss. But instead I fell victim. I just made a lot of what I would consider unstoic-like decisions, which means making decisions based on negative emotions, instead of staying head strong. However, now remembering memento mori, it’s in the past and it is what it is.

As I think about the entire experience in San Jose, after hours of recent meditation, I’ve come to acknowledge that it was all a huge test that was handed to me not too long after I blogged about The True Benefit of Meditation. With that said, isn’t it funny how we forget to practice the very same principles that we preach, until it is handed to us in the form of a test? For that I cheers to the next test of adversities that may be handed to me, with the intentions that I remember all the important shit I preach about!

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Photo: Bell Rock in Sedona, Arizona this morning. Yep, I’m back here at the huge electric (upflow) rock once again to recharge and recenter myself. Works. Every. Time.