Dark Night of the Soul Part II

I wrote about this over a year ago here.

When I first wrote it was at the very beginning stages of my awakening. After a year, I realized that these really difficult “tower” moments of collapse in life happen continuously when your newly formed foundation is faulty.

What do I mean by this?

To simplify, the dark night of the soul is when you come to a point (or points) in life  where everything in existence seems “wrong”. From the people you’ve been friends with to your eating habits to the fabulous place you live at. You feel discontent for no reason, all of a sudden, and therefore what you feel is what you start to experience. Basically, the amygdala in your brain is lit!

They call this spiritual PTSD.

It’s a collapse of yourself in order to rebuild yourself to a better you, which can be very traumatizing, especially if it was induced by a traumatic event. This collapse keeps happening over and over until you learn how to understand why you feel the way you do. And the only way to stop the collapse or rather the perception of it is to sit with yourself by meditation, as that is the only way to cause the neurons in your brain to stop firing in the wrong direction.

The reason why everything seems to feel wrong is because your ego, or what I like to call you internal Pandora’s box, has opened up for exposure. Therefore, everything that you never knew you were fearful or insecure about is now open to your awareness and is magnified through external events in order for you to face them. No one can help you but you. And when it’s open for you to face, the neurons in your brain start firing in multiple directions. Pew, pew pew!!

Once you start to rebuild yourself and just when you think you have it all figure out, you will be severely tested various times to see just how you handle any kind of threat to your newly formed foundation, to see if your amygdala has calmed down and to see how well you’ve mastered the art of neuron firing in your brain. If you crumble, you start over again.

Threats come in the form of triggers. Anything that will trigger your amygdala and cause you to react instead of respond by staying neutral will cause you to crumble. And the only reason why this happens is because you are fully aware of everything that triggers you.

So in order to prevent the dark night of the soul from returning over and over again, you have to meditate like a boss! It will train your mind to stay neutral and form the habit of not identifying with what triggers you and at the same time start causing your neurons to fire in the right direction. When this happens you start feeling content and happy for no reason. Kind of like Peter Gibbons from Office Space the day after he was hypnotized.

Anyways, shit happens regardless of what you do because you don’t control outside circumstances, but if you can control your emotions that are caused by your awareness to shitty circumstances, you won’t be phased much. Therefore, your newly formed foundation won’t crumble and will continue to form structure.

But like anything worth attaining, it takes a lot of work, dedication and failure. Don’t forget that and don’t give up! Cheers!


The Problem With Awareness

What is awareness?

Awareness is the ability to derive an explanation about something beyond the surface of understanding.

What do I mean? Let’s talk about jealousy.

Last night I went to IHOP for dinner. Yep, dinner. The guy who was practically running the show (host, server, busser) was in a great mood and really talkative as I walked up to pay. He was having a conversation with one of the cooks about jealousy and how he couldn’t understand why he considered himself to be “the shit” and have all this confidence but still gets very jealous. So, as I’m paying my check, he asked me if I get jealous. I was a little hesitant to answer him just because I just knew I’d confuse the shit out of him with my answer and not because it was some random question I’m sure most people would take offense to. I did decide to answer just to see how he’d respond and he responded just the way I thought.

I replied, “Of course I get jealous, because if I was never jealous, I wouldn’t be human. It’s a matter of how you balance your jealousy.”

His response was priceless. He went from really talkative and confident to really quiet and confused. After a few seconds he asked me what I meant, then asked me what I do for a living.

I just told him that jealousy is a natural human emotion and to not have even just a little bit of it, would make me unhuman. As humans, we are housed with all sorts of emotions because we are mortal and survival depends on our emotions and how well we balance them with our ego. The more untamed your ego is, the more jealous you become as well. This is what separates us from artificial intelligence as their ego always coincides with emotion because that’s the ultimate goal of every human. They have it easy. But as humans, we cannot obtain that ultimate goal so easily as life is all about constantly putting in the work towards learning how to balance your ego with your emotions.

Then I proceeded to leave by telling him that I confuse people for a living. Boy was he confused when I left.

Was my ego lit from that explanation? Nah.

He asked me a question in which most people would respond with either no or yes because of their surface understanding of the word jealousy and the negative connotations that are attached to it. My response wasn’t just based on philosophical principles, it was also logical, based on the awareness of human emotions and I wanted to share that with him.

The problem with awareness in this case is the fact that I see jealousy as something more than being a negative emotion. I see it beyond the surface as an emotion that helps us to evolve when balanced correctly and also an emotion that emphasizes the beauty of being a human. However, I cannot emphasize that awareness to most people because they do not understand due to lack of awareness and, therefore, would consider me “too deep” and confusing.

All people see is just a dull thought of how jealousy is “bad” because it’s an easy and simplified way to understand something without much brain activity. End of story. And because more people are unaware than aware, and majority rules, the aware ones are considered outliers, weird and awkward. Well, how else are we supposed to communicate with you to where you can understand? Annoyance level 100.

However, to be truly aware is to acknowledge that our annoyance stems from our own lack of awareness of understanding that most people don’t know any better and we can’t blame them. It simply isn’t their fault. That’s where learning to balance compassion comes in and this is something I do struggle with.

Becoming more aware is trying to balance your compassion level with your annoyance level. It’s not easy and, like I’ve mentioned before, is a continuing process but continuous effort does need to happen. You want to be compassionate and understanding of the unintended and restricted thought process of most people but know there’s more to life than superficial conversations and surface level small talk.

So what do you do? It’s a battle and definitely a challenge that comes with becoming aware. However, I feel more people are becoming aware so the annoyance level should pipe down to a minimum at some point.

What do you think? Do you consider yourself to think beyond the surface of most things in life? I’m curious.



Camping in My Jeep and Some Intentions

Hey everyone!

I thought I would give you all a little tour of my Jeep, Ringo, and where I’ve been camping for the past week. I’m not very good with the vlogging stuff but, to be honest, I don’t want to. Ha! I’d like to stick with blogging.

So, I did leave California once again. I wanted to be practical and “responsible” a couple of months ago by going back to picking up the same job and the same shit I left a year ago, only to be reminded of why I left the first time.

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Owning Your Independent Nature

Here I am, back in Sedona, Arizona, until Friday, which is my 37th birthday. Woohoo! I can’t count how many times I’ve been called to come back here this year. I’m glad I come back every time because I’m usually energetically drained by the time I arrive and end up leaving fully charged.

I’ve been here for almost a week and have been camping in my Jeep, once again. It’s a lot of fun, especially when you know the right places to go. The weather has dropped down to about 36°F/2°C at night but I managed to pack some really warm gear this time. And even though the weather is really cold, the air quality is crisp, it’s very quiet outside and the night sky is super clear for star gazing!

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Astrology, My Natal Birth Chart and Some Randomness

I’ve been wanting to blog about this for a while but didn’t because I felt caged in the hermit mode type of energy that sits in the corner and feels sorry for itself. Plus astrology was just one of those spiritual aspects I’ve wanted to pipe down on. But recently, I’ve picked it back up.

So now that a huge astrological shift has happened, I can feel it, big time! It’s Jupiter returning home into Sagittarius! I have been waiting for this transit since October 2017 and it has finally come.

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A Little Something For My Mom

Any time I’m in Sedona, Arizona, I try to swing by the Chapel of the Holy Cross.

I’m not Catholic but my mom was. She tried to get me and both of my sisters to go to church all the time with her when we were younger but never forced us.

We were all baptized as Catholics but out of the three of us, I was the only one who never received Confirmation and Holy Communion. So yeah, I wasn’t allowed to eat the bread and drink the grape juice.

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